You ever have the feeling you are making a terrible mistake? I have been trying to think of a time when I have felt as strongly about this as I do now. I knew on some level that I should have held out and waited to find a home that met My Darlings needs since he was forfeiting the most in the living arrangements at the start, living with my folks on whatever level it turned out to be. I should not have listened when he said it would be better for the kid and my folks and all the rest of the case he made for this house. It isn't that I think he didn't believe what he was saying, I think instead, that he was not really understanding what he was giving up. Now I am stuck, there is nothing I can do to stop the freight train of a mistake in the making and there is no way to soften the impact to myself and my family. I am overwhelmed by everything. My current home must be repaired and placed on the market. There isn't that much to do but My Darling works all the time so it falls on me to do it. There is little money to spare to accomplish the task and no real way for me to increase the fixer upper fund without putting in more hours at work, with hours at a premium and I need the time to do the work we can't afford.

And we are spiraling down the hole with no sign that there is a bottom. And then when we finally hit bottom, will there be a way out or will we languish in the dark, all of us in our giant empty home, my Darling hiding out in the basement with my son, my folks deteriorating in the Bedroom wing and me bouncing in the middle unable to facilitate any happiness in my home. It's going to crash and burn and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I need a better job, something full time, something that contributes more so My Darling doesn't feel like he bears the financial brunt of it all. I would like it myself because I always feel as though I can never spend any money. Sometimes I resent the fact that my Darling can buy what he wants while I have to say no to myself all the time but then I think about how hard he works and how little time he has with me and our son and I can't begrudge him the things that help ease the grind. I may hate my job but I have plenty of time away from it and plenty of time with my son. For as little as I work my home should be immaculate. I have never kept a house up to My Darlings family standards and although my Darling doesn't say much about it I know he feels like I should spend more time keeping house. We joke about sitting on the couch eating bon bons but I think for him it isn't as much of a joke. He works so much and I think envies all my "free time".

Not all my "free time" is actually free. Yes I don't go to work till after noon today but I can not really get involved in anything beforehand for fear of being up to my elbows in something and having to run off to work without finishing. Better time management My Darling might suggest but how do I really manage my time when I don't know how long a task will take. Can I pack a few boxes? Maybe get a first coat of mud on the wall? Maybe a first coat of paint? And when I get home, after I fix dinner, how much can I get done before I have to put the kid to bed? Then My Darling wishes I would off to bed early with him an hour or so after the kid so where exactly is all that free time?

I can feel the water rising, swirling around my ankles, and I will be drowned before this is all said and done, I am sure of it.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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