Weather around here changes on a dime. Yesterday I was running in 50+ degrees muddy wetness and today it is 20ish and a frozen, snowy wasteland. I'm not happy about how the winter is going. My reproductive system is shutting down, sooner than I wanted. The symptoms are not extreme, more annoying than anything but it makes me quite sad. All around me at my son's school there are Moms expecting second, third and even forth children and I am done. It is all my fault of course. You can not wait forever to get started and I am damn lucky I have my son let alone a sibling for him. I understand this, I do, but I am sad none the less. This ride I am on is basically puberty in reverse. All the fun and games that accompanied that little ride are present now with a couple of new games thrown in for more fun. Still no hot flashes but the restlessness, some night sweating and irregularity makes for interesting times. Will I won't I this month, or maybe twice in 15 days, it's a surprise game...guess who's here? Agh.

I am easily annoyed and my frustration with my physical changes, and the underlying sadness is making every interaction, from family to co-workers, or strangers at work, a challenge. I don't like being around people right now. I would rather hole up in a quiet cave and be miserable until all this passes. Of course then I would miss my family, my son especially. He is 5 and thus supremely annoying, talking about nothing, and making random noises at all times. On the other hand he is excitingly smart (who knew he was hiding it so well) and so very kind and sweet. When I pick him up at school he is voraciously hungry, why I am not sure since he has a good breakfast and a morning snack (all that learning energy burned) and usually I also bring a little something for myself. Yesterday it was cheese sticks. I put his in his cup holder but somehow, during my trip back into the house for something I forgot (I have an inability to leave my house on the first try, it is irritating and embarrassing) I dropped my cheese stick so when I went for my stick it wasn't in my pocket. My sweet little boy offered to share his with me and when I turned him down insisted that I have some "I know you are hungry Mommy, you have to share this with me". Such a nice little boy. Also, the school sent home "love letters" from the kids with a quote from your child on his feelings about you. My son's quote "I know that you love me very much" complete with the happy stick people family. I remember telling my parents that through all the strictness it was important that he know we love him. He understands you can be mad at someone and still love them. That is such an important lesson. Children who don't understand that often allow themselves to be walked on because they fear making anyone mad and thus losing their love. This is not so say we tolerate bad behavior or allow him to have a temper tantrum all over us, nor do we have temper tantrums all over him. Teaching him to stay on point and understand his part in the probelm and owning up to your part (if you are in part responsible) teaches him about conflict and conflict resolution. Without this valuable lesson you are trapped fighting the same fight over and over because you can't make your point. Either that or you must let go and deal with the situation for the peace and quiet.

I have tried so hard, my whole life, to be rational during a disagreement. I listen to the other person and measure my feelings against theirs and try and see from both perspectives. I take responsibility when I am wrong and understand when I have reached a wall not worth trying to knock down. But still I find myself unresolved over and over. I tell myself to let it go, let it go but the hormonal changes going on have shortened my fuse to the point that I have already reacted before I know what I am doing. If I had a moment to think before I responded I would choose not to respond because no good can come of it. These things are not important, no matter how irritating they may be at the moment. In the larger picture they are just dust bunnies under the bed. Yes you can make a big deal about sweeping them away and become obsessed with making sure they don't accumulate but really they do little harm and you can quietly remove them someday when no one else is around. This journal is my way of sweeping out the dust bunnies without damaging anything in the process. Now if I could just calm those nasty hormones and still my mind so when shit happens I can let it go. I have to learn not to carry crap around, to avoid picking it up when I can and if I do pick it up to put it down as soon as I am able. Stillness is missing in my life and I have to get it back.

Six more weeks until spring (we will see for sure when the groundhogs have their say on Saturday) and then, with luck spring will bring some relief.

Peace

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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