I can't stop returning to the reality that was Friday. I cry, I ache, I feel over and over all the many levels of pain and sorrow this tragedy visits on the families. Siblings who have lost little brothers and sisters, babies who will never know their older siblings, who will only know that they were stolen from them. Parents who will never be able to know any joy in Christmas. Toys wrapped and hidden for children who will never open them. Babies, little babies they were. I don't find any solace in the idea that there is anyone holding them, no belief in angels and wanting it to be true to ease my sorrow isn't enough to make it so. I don't fault those that hang on to the hope that they will someday hold their babies again, but for me there is nothing. I am certain I would not survive the loss of my Baby boy (always and forever, even when he is grown I will think of him as my Baby boy.) Little joys of Christmas are blackened by the thoughts of those who lost everything just a few days ago. I hold it together most of the time, but at home, when I am alone I can't hold off the pain, sympathy pain, empathy. The problem with being able to put yourself in other peoples shoe is that sometimes it is hard to take them off again. I can't let go of this pain, I want to but the only way is to let go of all emotion, it's getting to big for me to tamp down. It's getting worse instead of better. The world goes on but these families will never, ever go on, they will always be trapped in this heartache and soon they will be walking shadows watching the world continue as though it has a right to be normal without your baby, precious innocent little darling baby in it. I have trouble breathing for the ache. It's not fair, its rude of me to feel this way, it is not my personal loss but I feel it none the less for my knowing it is not mine to carry. I am so very lucky (so far) and I hope that I never know this pain for my own. I have to go and get my baby from school now.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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