Today
Yesterday
Diaryland

 photo Asian-Banner.gif

2012-10-03 - 11:26 a.m.

The kid is at school and will go straight from there to a play date. This leaves Mommy alone until My Darling gets home. I ran this morning, a feat since it makes three weeks now that I have run at least twice. The new asthma medication is allowing me to run in the cold weather. Who knew my trouble with running in the cold was asthma. I have been enjoying the kid in school. Unlike preschool where I had to drop him off and pick him up all I have to do is load him onto the bus leaving me a large chunk of time before I must pick him up at lunch. I run three days a week and try and work out the other two days. I like that I have time to keep my house clean. Laundry is done regularly, kitchen is clean, and even vacuuming is done on a far more regular basis than ever before. It's like being a stay at home Mom except for the working every night.

You know I understand that stay at home Moms want credit for all they do and they are hard working women but they should think about how many women do most of the household chores and have full time jobs. These women amaze me. They have the same distractions when they are at home, children who want constant attention as you try and clean, cook and care for them. And they do it all. Not to belittle the stay at homes but truly, they should not underestimate the herculean task of doing everything they do and working too. I don't count for either. I work, but only part time so I am neither dedicated stay at home, nor working Hercules. Like everything else I do, it is half assed.

This may be what is keeping me up at night and dragging my mood down. I feel half assed. We don't have enough money coming in to make it through the winter. It is a fact. Once the propane bills start coming in we will be well and truly F'ed. I have Christmas to plan for and although we don't spoil the kid that much we do like to get him some stuff. This year there will be no presents from anyone but us and my folks. My FIL will give money (probably) and we are not exchanging gifts with the rest of the family. I firmly believe it is important to make the kid understand the giving side of Christmas over the receiving but I still want to give him a Christmas (that is the gifter in me). Sigh, there is no money for necessities let alone gifts.

I have heard nothing about the job that was supposed to be a shoe in and has morphed into a maybe, midnight shift (and an odd one at that) which would make everything difficult to manage time wise but would lift the financial boom off of my chest. Financial freedom in exchange for the chains on my time. And it isn't even close to being a sure thing. God knows how long I would be stuck on nights too, someone would have to retire or quit for me to move (or like the current night person got, a new position formed). People don't leave this kind of job. My chest hurts when I think of what this could do for our family as well as how it could affect our family. I can't decide whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing and how I have become so mediocre at everything now a days. I used to be good at stuff, I used to be smart, now I am dull and useless. I only get my kicks from the crafts I come up with for the kid night and that is sad. I am sad.

Living half assed and under a cloud of uncertainty. And emotionally numb, did I mention that?

I wish you Peace

~alison~


Leave a note:

to leave a note you need to be logged in



- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

- - 2013-02-07


earlier - later

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary 

at DiaryLand.com!