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2012-08-19 - 1:46 a.m.

Funny how much I avoid this place. Used to be an every day stop, like FB is now. I would read up on my friends and leave behind a little piece of my psyche to float around freeing up my mind for other things. My thoughts wouldn't chase me around at night. Now I sit and watch computer TV and try and turn my brain off with mindless crap. There is so much going on I can't even wrap my brain around it all.

I seem to have taken on the task of helping my MIL to a greater quality of life living with Parkinson's. It's a task I don't mind so much because I would hope that someone in my life might do the same for me. Of course there is a part of me that feels the need to do it for the same reason you would care for a child or a small injured animal, the compassion for another helpless creature, human or not. How anyone can convince themselves that throwing people to the profit machines is good for our well being is beyond me. There is so much work and a great deal of emotional energy expended in this. I must also force myself to defer to others more appropriate to make decisions on the matter. She isn't my mother after all so it is not my place. Just another challenge.

My son's birthday is looming and the rather large party I am planning will soon require more than just planning, I must now pull it together. Everyone from my family will descend on my home for the weekend (well almost everyone, the youngest brother and his offspring will not be attending), along with my MIL and for the day at least My Darlings family and a few friends. A crowd really. I have to gear myself for it, and make sure everything is in place. My family is pretty forgiving but I guess I still feel the need to satisfy (impress maybe) my inlaws. It's silly really, they are no more exotic than I in the party department so why I worry I couldn't tell you. I guess I don't want my Darling to be embarrassed in front of his family.

And work, ug, work sucks. I am reminded in full force how much I suck at waiting tables and how I detest the job. I recently read a comment someone left on an article about her "lazy" roommate who only worked 25 to 30 hours a week waiting tables. She collected some assistance because she didn't make a lot and the commentator felt that she should simply pick up extra shifts, work extra hours or two jobs waiting rather than get assistance. She may have been right but my goodness I wonder if she understood just how difficult the job is, how exhausting. 8-10 hours on your feet, often no breaks or when you do get a break your feet swell while you sit and they are sometimes numb by the end of the day. I can't drink anything for fear that I might have to use the bathroom during rush, impossible to accomplish without pissing off your customers and losing you tip (pay). When was the last time your job docked you for going the bathroom? How many times has someone stolen your pay right from under you, one moment the tip is on the table but your hands are full and when you get back it is gone? Almost never are your co-workers the culprit, no, customers are usually responsible and we have no choice even if we witness it because, that is right, the customer is always right. It makes me mad that she called her roommate lazy. I worked 40 hours a week in a lab this summer and it was the few hours at the restaurant two nights a week that did me in. I want to get back into the lab. I have interviewed for a couple of jobs but the companies are never in a hurry, it can take a long time to get a job. I have a "promise" of a job in October but just as the quotation marks suggest it is not a guarantee, just a "promise". I need it though. I need it so bad. For the next month I will switch to nights and make less money working more hours so I can get my son to and from preK. I don't want to do it and my Darling doesn't want it either but we both recognize that it is best for our son and so we will suffer through. It's what you do right?

I shouldn't take things personally. I need to stop internalizing things both on the internet and in my home. I take things the wrong way, sometimes read into things. While I think I am on the mark sometimes (no one can always be wrong) I know that I perceive things wrong a lot, part of the disease that I can never forget.

Could be why I dodge this place even though I know it is good for me. Even though I am sure that this is most likely as personal and private as a book by my bedside now a day, so many of my friends here have moved on to other places or are busy with their own lives, no time to fuss about mine. Heck I can't find the time to fuss about my life here, who am I to judge or take it personally.

I know this place helps keep my head above water and yet I stay away, until quarter til two in the morning when I can't sleep for all the racing in my head. So here I am, dumping my RAM to make room for sleep. Powering down now.

Night.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

- - 2013-02-07


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