Too much going on in my head. Upset and feeling helpless, I am not sure what to do with myself so for now I am cleaning. I have found, in the past, that cleaning can turn off my mind a bit, like running. I would run but frankly it hurts too much as yet and I have enough of that right now, I want a little numbness and cleaning is both numbing and meditative. When I am lucky I can get lost in what I am doing and find a little peace. Peace has been scarce for me lately. Dreams, thoughts, day and night and a felling like I should be able to do something. I feel guilty and sad and I can not for the life of me fathom what to do.

On and off this happens to me. I am blindsided by something out of my control (although I could do something if I wanted to push things) and then I feel overwhelmed and stuck. When does your desire for peace become second to someone else's peace? How far would you go to help someone and when should you just shut up?

Ach, my chest hurts from it all.

I think the worst part is not being able to talk about it. I can't talk to anyone and that makes it ten times worse.

Well, there is still plenty left to clean in my house (Oh yes we are not a good housekeeping family) and then there is the painting, as well as some wood work. Maybe I can just ignore it until it goes away, a good a plan as any right?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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