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2012-03-21 - 3:57 a.m.

The nights are long sometimes. My Darling is sick and restless, he woke me up and through no fault of his own I can not get back to sleep. I though a little food in my belly might help since I felt hungry when I woke up. Now with a little cereal in my stomach I am more distracted from sleep with thoughts of job (which I must change in order to see the kid into preK rather than kindergarten.) We think the extra year will help him catch up a little but the program is half day and there is absolutely no way I can do it in my current job. Of course I kinda hate my job. Day after day I face the humiliation of doing my best to give great service to everyone, failing because it is close to impossible and getting stiffed. The worst part is not being tipped (or poor tips) are often not triggered by bad service. Some people just don't tip. I have customers who request me, they love me, they think I am the best server in the place and still leave me anywhere from 10-15%. It's enough to make a girl crazy. Add to the they absolute randomness of the business (busy one week, dead the next) the stress of never knowing if you are going to make enough money to cover all of your expenses and it can be overwhelming. Two (maybe three, I'm not sure) years ago I had tests done to see if my brain lapses were brain related and the Doctor pretty much told me my job was a big problem. Trouble is I am stuck. This job offers flexibility (for now) in getting the kid in preschool and delivers (even with the inconsistency in tip) and average hourly wage that I could only match in a professional position. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

So I must find a new job in the next few months, something that will allow me to put the kid in preK. I could find a random minimum wage gig but that would leave us short and winters are hard enough as it is. I could work nights in a restaurant that serves booze, upping (hopefully) my tip, but with all the same issues I have no face now. Best case I would find a job that might require more hours but will deliver similar money. Well real best case I will get another shot at a real job in my field paying some real money but being realistic in this economy I'd settle for the second best case. Gotta get to finding that but I don't really know where to look. I have a line on a customer service position but they are notoriously low paying. Think, think, think instead of sleep, sleep, sleep.

And who wants to talk about the baby elephant in the room (it's not really an elephant, it's the wanting a baby). The kid is currently begging for Mommy to "get" another baby in her belly so he will have a friend. Of course any baby I might have at this point wouldn't be much use in the friend department and by the time the baby was "playable" the kid wouldn't want him or her "hanging around him". The kids at work are also suggesting it. Not because of any desire I have shown, but because they are young and for some reason think I am younger than I am. They love my son and think I should have another. I keep reminding them I am too old (if only I could convince myself(. My Darling leaves the topic alone. He knows what I want and he wants it too. He knows I get depressed on a monthly basis and he might too, I don't know, he keeps it to himself. I feel guilty as well. A younger wife would be more likely able to deliver more children, no guarantee. but more likely. I know he doesn't blame me and love me first and foremost. He has done nothing to make me feel this way, it is all me. So I sit here, in the middle of the night sad, sad, sad, searching websites on pregnancy after 45 and what I could do about raising my odds which is also sad, sad, sad.

I'm done with that and I'm done with this and I'm going to try and get to sleep.

Sleep, perchance to dream, of babies and jobs and big life changes (the good kind of course).

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

- - 2013-02-07


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