I'm late. It means nothing of course. Skipping is normal in perimenopause. Hope. It's a dangerous thing. I could take a test of course, but they are not cheap. It's only two more weeks until my next cycle ends so the wise thing to do is wait. Oh, I'll take some folic acid, it can't hurt but I'm pretty sure it's nothing but the normal cycle of the hormonal shut down.

I saw a woman at work the other day with a daughter who was severely challenged. Every time I see someone like that I think of the chances I would have to deal with that and I think "what am I thinking?" What am I thinking? I'm thinking that I want to give my son and my husband another little someone to keep them company after I am gone. I want there to be more of a family left for the kid. Both My Darling and I come from larger families not the pez dispensing, religious cult kinda families, but four kids. Four people who can support you when the parents are gone. Four people who remember your childhood and all the you where before you became who you are. Four links in a world of billions of strangers. I want a bit of that for my son.

I am repeating myself, I know, but in a way I am also reminding myself of why I feel the way I do.

While on my trip a friend of mine suggested if I can't have another baby (her idea nothing I said about having more) I should adopt. I told her they wouldn't give a baby to me. She seemed genuinely surpised I thought that and for a minute I wasn't sure if I ever told her about my illness. I dived in, unsure if she would be all shocked but it seems I had told her and she thought they would be ok with me because I have medication. It doesn't work like that. BP victims are notoriously non-compliant. Years can go by and they sometimes just stop taking meds. They miss the highs, they feel muffled, they just don't feel like themselves. I know what they mean. All of those feelings have accompanied my medication years but I remind myself about the down side of unmuffling yourself. The pain and suffering that descends like a dark cloud leaving you in an inky blackness. That is how I stay compliant. But they don't know that. The people who make decisions about who does, and doesn't get a baby are thinking about the baby and the chances are too high that a problem might develop if stress gets too high. I think that is best. I know it means that I can't adopt but I would rather be refused than have an unstable person receive a child and harm it in any way.

So it's natural or nothing, and natural presents problems whether it is just getting pregnant or having a difficult pregnancy or bearing a challenged child.

For now I will wait and see. Sooner or later the problem will go away.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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