I go back to work today. I go back knowing that I have nothing waiting in the wings. No hope of early release. I am back to the position where my days stretch out ahead of me and there appears to be nothing but waiting tables in my future. I had a moment of hope for something more. I moment when I thought maybe My Darling and I might get out of our hole. Maybe I would be able to send the kid off to Pre-K giving him a leg up instead of leaving him to struggle in kindergarten. All of it gone. And I can't help but think if maybe I didn't insist on this vacation that we couldn't afford I might have the job. I am so very happy I could be there to share in my friend's joy and see so many of my lost friends. But what if it came at the cost of my way out of this job I hate.

I do hate my job. I hate heading off to play "happy to be here to serve you" all day long. Working hard for my 2 dollar tips and hoping to make enough to buy groceries and pay my bills with maybe a little left over to shop at the thrift store. The idea of buying something new is outside of my purview.

I dared to dream and it has left me sadder then ever. I cried for a while, then I just ached. I stopped talking about it because My Darling was so distressed and feeling helpless. How could I do that to him with all the responsibility he carries for our family? He was so sweet this weekend, cleaning the kitchen, loading, unloading and loading again the dishwasher. Me, I was a foul, moody PITA all weekend. Pissed that I had so much to do unpacking, laundry, making meals and such. But that is what I do. That is my chore in our division of labor. He works, I care for the house. It's not his fault and he tried, and did lighten my load. It's all a reflection of my supreme disappointment in the loss of, not just the job, but the future that goes with it.

I am tired and I want out. I don't mind hard work, really I don't, but this effort to keep my emotions in check and put on the very happiest of faces in light of my depression is exhausting. It is funny really, how many people comment on my "genuine smile". They feel happy because they believe that I am pleased with my job and enjoy what I do. How good am I? The mask is rich and complete, only rarely leaking the sorrow beneath. My co-workers think I can be moody at times and they are only seeing the briefest bit of the reality. My poor Darling suffers the most and I even hide as much as I can from him. He deserves to be able to live without worrying too much about me. He doesn't need to worry anyway. No matter how bad I feel it is nowhere near what I have already survived.

There were so many memories bubbled up to this surface this week. A history of darkness, brightened at the end by the love I stumbled into but so much pain, raw emotional pain even then hidden away in the smallest box I could press it into. Being independent in most of my jobs left me able to, at least, let go of the show, drop the mask and relax into my sorrow. There were no tears but there was a break from the need to put on a bright exterior and pretend that all was right with my world. Now there is only the briefest time before the kid wakes up when I can sit and feel without affecting those around me, those people that I love and the strangers who just want to enjoy a meal and pretend that the servers are happy to be their servant. Like the plantation owners of old they like to look down on their lowly servants and believe that they are deserving of their position and incapable of any other job but in service of their betters. Even the lower classes can feel powerful and superior in a restaurant as they order about their personal servant, rented by the hour. There are some who are nice but most of them still view us as inferior.

Who am I to say different. I am, after all, unemployed in my field and it looks as though that will continue indefinitely.

This is the last I will speak of this here. I will push my mind to other things and hope that I am not condemned to permanent professional unemployment. I will hope that something comes along that will allow me to give my son what he needs and My Darling what he deserves. I want to be a good wife and mother, and that is where I will focus my energy.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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