My stomach hurts. It's after midnight and I woke up feeling uncomfortable and can't get back to sleep. To be honest I don't know if is nerves or an actual stomach problem. I took some antacid but now I am wondering if I should take an anti-anxiety med.

Ok, so now I have taken an anti-aniexty med, maybe one or the other will solve my problem and allow me to go back to sleep. I have to work all day tomorrow and sleep is necessary to being good at my job. Not that I am all that good, damn I wish I were better. I hate being adequate. I know I got rated high in my review but I'm not all that when it comes to consistently providing excellent service and my job (and pay) depends on just that. I long for a job that I can be more than just adequate.

Speaking of jobs, no word on a second interview and I am beginning to be sure that I didn't get the chance to convince them I am right for this job. I can't help but wonder if I'm considered just too old for this position. So many companies are in the enviable position of being able to pick and choose from a flock of applicants allowing them to pick young and malleable employees. Of course someone my age would come with a strong work ethic and a gratefulness for that chance to have a career at my age. As I head off on my vacation I am under a cloud of I-don't-know. I am not sure, though, if finding out for sure just before my vacation would be any better. Maybe they are waiting to tell me I didn't get it until after my vacation. The interviewer seemed like a very nice person.

So a day before my trip I am sleepless and feeling ill, not really a good sign. Oh, and did I mention I am nervous about letting my kid play in the ocean, what's that about? It's not like I am going to let him out very far, or in anyway unsupervised, an yet the idea upsets me. Of course this could be just my own fear of the ocean rearing it's head. All the time I lived in southern CA I can count on one hand the times I went to the beach. It is a few more if you count my runs along the boardwalk in Carlsbad but unless you actually put foot to sand I don't think that should count. I did go into the ocean in Virginia, but I was bolstered by alcohol, lucky for me because it was quite cold at the time. I worked every day when I lived in Florida so the best I managed was walking along the waters edge collecting silver dollars. So fear of the ocean must be it. Good thing my Darling prefers the desert,woods and lakes to oceans.

Oh, and heading back to CA also brings up memories of my years there, and not just the years with My Darling. There were several years with the ex, if you combine both times I was in CA. There are several friends who were with me through it all and no conversations with them can escape reveries of those times. After all things are usually good, until they are not good anymore. Whether or not he was good for me, things were good feeling. Of course I always forget the depression and alcohol, both tempered my time. It wasn't good but it was better then before, before I left my hometown and the misery that had descended on me and dragged a smaller chain around with me as I struggled to escape the fog of mental illness that turned my world into e gloomy place with only moments of light. Those moment were wrapped around the people I will spend time with during my trip. Some were always light and free and some still languish somewhat in their own fog. I am both happy and sad to see them. Happy because I miss them and sad because I will miss them again.

There are no friends for me here. It is my own fault, I suck at making friends and the folks my own age have nothing in common with me. I am also a bit annoying in person (actually I may be annoying here too but although I like that people read this it is in the end for me.). I try not to be annoying but I can't help myself sometimes. I babble on about this and that, in my life and topics that no one has any interest in but me.

I am hoping to finish a colored pencil piece for one of my friends, it is mostly done (the hard part anyway) and I am hoping to finish the rest on the plane which may be a bit ambitious considering the kid will be with me but we are separated (my Darling and us) on the second flight so I might convince My Darling into giving me a little private time to finish up. hopefully this ends better than the CHristmas scarf that, although finished, does not seem likely to find it's recipient this year before winter is gone (what pitiful winter it is). Of course there are still several months left in the season and snow has fallen well into April in the past so I never count out the cold until long after the crocuses have pushed their way into spring (sometimes right through the snow).

Well there you have it, Stomach (nerves or whatever), worry (job), impending trip (good and bad) and unfinished art. Quite a lot going on, no wonder I can't sleep.

I am feeling a little better so maybe I can try to get back to sleep.

G'night, or G'morning whichever is appropriate to you reading. And thank you for reading.

So where does this leave me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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