Saturday morning, the boys are playing a video game while I have been continuing my re-watching of my TV series. Not much time left before we trip to CA. This weekend we must pack up and after two days filled with watressy fun we will be off to warmer climate filled with friends and my sister in spirit. I've not really spoken of her here I don't think. Like so many friends of mine I am amazed that she chooses to be a friend of mine, let alone considers me family. We don't talk as much as most best friends (time zones are a bitch) and I always feel like I need her more than she needs me. Of course that is the nature of my insecurities about friendships. I am needy. I'm not sure if that is really true or just a perception born of a failed friendship with a needier person than I who resented having to bear her weight in our relationship. That is what I try and tell myself anyway, in my effort to see myself as deserving of the people who continue to make time for me in their world. How I ever got lucky enough to have such wondrous people enrich my life I will never know. My life has been a long stretch of, it not mistakes, missteps. Over and over I have done things that should have left me alone and miserable. Not cruel or mean things, through it all I have tried to be kind and compassionate with everyone I have met, but I have lost more than many people have known and squandered so many gifts. My father just recently expressed his disappointment that I never sing anymore. I spent years drawing, painting and crafting and now my many tools of those endeavors lay gathering dust. My writing has been reduced to pushing myself to put something here on a regular basis and that is a struggle. So many other actions left by the wayside, pool, running and to some extent Martial Arts. The latter is the most disappointing to me. There was never a time in my life when I felt more inside myself, when I fit in my skin, then when I was gearing up for my black belt test. I carried that feeling for many years after. Now it is just the tiniest shadow I feel from time to time,. How I wish I could have that feeling back. I would trade all the other actions I have lost to have that feeling back.

Ah, you see why I don't deserve my friends? I meant to speak of my friend and instead went on about myself.

My dear friend will marry this week and next weekend she will celebrate with the many people who love her (and there are so many people who love her for she is supremely lovable). I met her shortly after I arrived in CA at the home of another very dear friend. At first it was no more than seeing her at parties or out at bar gigs with the bands my friends then boyfriend (now husband) play in. She was always smiling and laughing, one of those bright lights in the room. There are some people who attract those around them, male and female, she is one of those. A free spirit. But she comes from so much pain and sorrow. Her parents were addicts and she, as the eldest, was forced to raise her siblings. That scar left her with no desire to be a parent. She and her soon to be husband have taken steps (relatively permanent steps) to assure that it never happens. I am disappointed for I would like to see her spark passed on. But as long as she is happy I will be happy for her. Her rise from the ashes of her childhood (for a while she adopted a moniker linked to that vision and I believe I am the only person who still uses it for her) is truly one of phoenix. As much as I love her (and I do) it is difficult to reconcile how sable she is in comparison to me having come from so much pain whilst I, having a middle of the road childhood, was (and sometime still am) a mess. Then I remind myself that mental illness does disallow direct comparison. It's generally not a good idea to measuring yourself against others. Not only do you often torture yourself but you miss out on knowing (and loving) beautiful people. I am who I am, good or bad, and they are not responsible for my insecurities.

I am happy I can be there to help her celebrate and I am so very proud of all that she has done for herself and those she loves. She has done so much for me. When I call she is always there for me, I only wish I could do more for her. She is happy that I don't get mad at her for not calling more but how can I? I got lost in my life too, weeks and months go by and I forget to call just to say hi, but when I don't know what to do or need a friend she is there. Our friendship is like a spider plant, you can neglect it for a long time but it is almost impossible to kill. The slightest bit of green will resurrect into the the beautiful plant you remember.

I can't wait to see her, and all my other friends again.

Saturday morning continues, time for breakfast I think. Have a nice weekend your self.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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