Ho Ho Ho...

Still ticking off the days to Christmas (both of them). My Darlings family does their family Christmas the week before the holiday. It will be awkward this year. There was no Thanksgiving and Christmas will only be a couple of hours if that. NO exchange of gifts, just a present for each kid bought by Mom and Dad and signed with the grandparents name. The presents will be a surprise to both the kids and the grandparents but at least there will be presents for Grandma to see opened. It almost wasn't but for a little pushing. This year has not been good to My Darlings family. Divorce and illness has taken their toll on unity and it looks as though it's not going to get better any time soon. I am lucky, my family is holding their own. Both my parents are relatively healthy for their age, my siblings have their share of emotional tribulations but we are still managing to support each other to some extent. I have a really good life so I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't but I will anyway because that is, in part, what this diary is all about, getting things off my chest so I can move on.

Speaking of moving on, I have to admit I have been looking back a little lately, ok more than a little. Events outside of my personal life have reminded me of my past and while I think you should not spend your life reliving your past I think healthy reflection on your history can help you to avoid repetition. I wish I could say I never make the same mistake twice but I would be lying. I make the same mistakes over and over. Not on a grand scale, I don't think, but it seems as though, at least at work, there are mistakes I can not seem to correct. That aside, I would like to think I am improving on the major bad behaviors. Smoking is a distant memory, as is the rasping cough and short breath that accompanied the action. I still find myself having to remind myself to breathe but I am not sure that it is a result of the smoking but the awareness that accompanied my quit. I am aware of my breathing more than your average Joe (and less than your average Yogi I think). When I am training, I remind my trainees that when they feel overwhelmed the first thing they need to do is stop and take a deep breath and the second is ask for help. It is the right advice for our work and I think maybe the right advice for any given situation. First breathe, then ask for help. For the religious types, maybe they might choose to ask their "God", others may seek around them, friends and family, me I have here. I don't really expect help in the form of answers but I am asking and that means I am understanding that I can not fix things all the time.

Sometimes the problem is not mine to fix. I experienced a flashback emotion in response to someone else's problem. I was hurt all over again. Even though I have moved on, begun again and filled my life with so much love and hope. It is strange to find out I still had a backdoor that allowed a sword to pierce me again. It changed forever the way I view someone, and even though I would rather it didn't and wish I could see things differently, I can't, because my history will forever color my world. Now most of the time this is a good thing. My history makes my new life so much sweeter. The love I have for My Darling and the kid and their returned love is made more precious by the lack of true love in my past. But the bad I suffered gives me empathy for others in the same position and I have trouble excusing the actions. I have let friends fall away for the same reason.

Now, there are those who will point to me a cry, "judgmental". They will say that I lack forgiveness, and I suppose they would be right in some ways. After all I make mistakes, some of them repeatedly, however I try not to make those mistakes. I have not, nor will I ever (I hope) make certain mistakes even once. Do I have an obligation to forgive someone who is neither looking for my forgiveness nor making any attempt to alter the actions I find objectionable?

Here is a thought, why am I still dwelling on this? I guess I am not sure how I will behave when face to face. I shouldn't take things like this personally, it is not about me but there is my past again and it won't stay there, in the past, where it belongs. I have to let it go so I can continue forward, so I don't do or say something I may regret. So I am asking for help in letting go. I am leaving it here and I will try not to think about it anymore. Dead and buried.

I just have to remember to Breathe.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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