Today was a bad day. I should have expected it I suppose, last Thursday was so good there had to be a bad day following.

Not only was today bad but I also got confronted with the reality of what I have lost. I miss the person I was before I became the person I am. I always try and push away this feeling when it comes. After all there is so much good in my life. I shouldn't complain about a little loss of spark.

Spark, sparkle, brilliance, I'm not sure what to call it I just know it isn't there anymore and I feel bland. It's not my life that is bland, it is middle ground, we have enough and don't struggle too much, but it is me. I am bland. Where I used to sparkle I am muddy and plain.

I am who I was but not really. My life experience is the same and I am here but something is missing.

It makes me sad. Even when I try to push it out of my mind it finds it's way back in through the cracks. Like the other night, nightmares, all night, slasher movies in my head. I don't watch slasher movies for this reason. Hell, even previews of slasher movies is enough to stick them in my night display.

The darkness always finds a way in but the brilliance, the sparkle, is locked out forever. It isn't fair that I must give up so much just to keep the worst of the black at bay.

Bad day, bad thoughts, time to go to bed and hope that tomorrow brings a good day and better thoughts.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�