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2011-11-20 - 1:16 p.m.

Officially 48 years old. Last night was nice, dinner at a fancy restaurant (I place my class with that statement). The food was delish, the place was nice enough for me to dress up and other than the fact that My Darling has lost so much weight his dress clothes were too big for him. Of course we also place our class by the fact they he has only one set of dress clothes. Still it was nice. We followed dinner with a movie. By avoiding a movie that just came out we did not have a crowded theatre and it was a good movie, I like Hugh J@ckman in just about anything.

The boy spent the night at BIL so we came home to a quiet house. Of course it is usually quiet after 7:30ish but we had a quiet morning to look forward to. Funny thing, the cat, who seems to only tolerate the kid sat staring at the kids empty bed seeming to ask, where is he? Animals can be strange.

Today is full of chores that must be done, laundry, vacuuming, dishes, dinner and such. I have gotten a head start but am only hoping to get it all done. Could be yes could be no, but still and all I try.

The kid is "painting" on the computer, fascinated with MS paint, My Darling is napping and I of course am writing and watching silly shows on the computer. I seem to alternate between diary, comments sections and huloo (I do love the huloo). It's a beautiful day and honestly the kid and I should be out enjoying some of the last nice days before the dull of winter sets in. I hate the cold though and although the sun is shining it is a lie because it is only 46 degrees outside and while that is far from freezing, or even acceptable safe temperature for a refrigerator, it is still to cold for me to move around comfortably. So no outdoors for me.

I also have a project I am supposed to deliver (actually 5 projects) by the end of the year that will most likely not be completed even though I have all the materials for all but one. The drive for artistic activity has gone by the wayside joining writing, running and all forms of performance. It is around the anniversay of my birth that I cast back and remember all the birthdays before and the life I knew then. The most recent milestone before now was of course the birth of my son just prior to my 44th birthday. Before that was my 40, memorable not only for the milestone it is naturally but also because I had just quit smoking, soon after quit drinking AND filed for divorce from my work challenged cheating husband. The following year found me waiting for the final decree and starting a new relationship that everyone including me thought was a passing fancy at best. My Darling proved to have staying power and has loved me all along.

Tracing back even further, my 35th birthday was spent in Virginia on "vacation" from the job I have ever held (in terms of money and benefits) and sending off my resignation letter. When I left on my 7 weeks vacation (like I said great benefits) I told people I would not be back but I don't think any of them believed me. ^ months later I married my first husband. It was a mistake from the start but I did it to make him happy and for no other reason. I had given up on life so it didn't much matter to me how or with whom I spent my time waiting to die. He never tried to get me to stop my self destructive ways and that was just fine with me. The workhorse that I was meant that he would always have a roof over his head and suppose that was all right with him. Did he love me? You will have to ask him, I have no idea. Did I love him? Who knows, I was all over the map emotionally then. No medication, no idea how to control my highs and lows other than alcohol. He didn't get in my way and made sure I got home at night, good enough for me at the time. What a difference a decade or so makes.

When I was 32 (I think) I beat my body to ridiculously skinny and took a semi shot at the show, not skinny enough, and my best friend was quick to point out not good enough at Karate to take the shot that was offered. She was certain that she would succeed and could bring me along, where I would certainly fail. To this day I still wonder what would have happened if I had sent my resume and picture when they asked for it, instead of hers. We never were the same after that and soon enough (right about the time I was falling apart) she got scarce.

At 26 I bought my first house, all by myself (well, not really, my Dad got me the job at the plant and that was the only reason I could afford a house. Nobody does anything all by themselves. I was transitioning from theatre into art and martial arts although I did buy a baby grand piano and begin lessons. I still have the piano (although it's a little worse for wear) and the boy sits down nearly daily to "play". He thinks nothing of it and neither do I. It doesn't resemble music yet but first you must want to know, he will ask lessons or he will learn on his own either way I will not push but just encourage and allow.

I started college at 17, too young to know what I was doing and too stupid to make the proper choices.

At 14 I had my first shot and my parents decided it would not be in my best interest to take it. They were probably right. BP, acting and the money that can accompany it are a bad combination, just ask little Drew, or look at any number of actors and actresses living or dead. Hollywood is littered with BP bodies.

When I was 6 I did my first play and was bit by the bug. I enjoyed being liked by strangers instead of despised by the children I went to school with.

The rest of my memories are scattered and not so much tired to birthdays as other events and holidays.

48 years gone, how many more to come?

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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