Such a great vacation followed by a long stretch of yuck. Work, well can't even say what the morphing is leading to, clones anyone? Scripts for everything, why even use people?

Home is frustrating, not for any reason involving small child and/or husband just things are hard right now, normal things, and anything extraordinary is out of the question. I'm tired but not sleeping, sore but not running, menopausal but still like clockwork, crampy, raging PMS and all the joys that follow.

I feel stupid and even more so now that I have managed somehow to drive my car into the ground. Yeah, I guess the thing had no symptoms and drove great right up until it didn't but still, not sure what comes next and feeling really shaky about the whole thing. I wanted to crawl into bed and hide away for a few days/weeks/months but there never seems to be the time to reset after a drop. Had to send my little boy to play in his room because he couldn't understand why Mommy was crying. He is so sensitive and I am so bad to be around, how do I not screw him up emotionally?

Work tomorrow, don't want to do it, I want a real job, but now I am committed to preschool and with no family around I am without resources.

The world is protesting and I am happy to see it and sorry not to be there. Wish I could believe it will go somewhere but I am pretty certain that we are headed to "Metropolis" and me and my family are not going to be living in the skyscraper. I would just like to not be living with the fear all the time. Money is tight and it doesn't take much to push you down when there already so little to hold you up.

On a positive note, The kid had a playdate (his first). One of the Moms from preschool is trying to turn her sons attention away from a less desirable playmate and thought my son would be good. They got along great. Of course my kid is pretty good with other kids. He is rambunctious, and tends to play pretty hard but he is aware of little ones (experience from daycare and being around babies and toddlers) and inclusive. He wants everyone to play and will join in or invite depending on which side of the game he is on. I have never seem him bully but I have seen him stand up for himself. I want him to be better with people than I am and I have no idea how to teach something I don't know how to do. The other Mom seemed pleased with their getting along and suggested another play date (to their house next time). My son also asked to invite another boy he is friends with over to play so I will try to make that happen this week. He needs to play with boys a little more. He is great with the girls in daycare but I think he wants to play rough and tumble with the boys.

He held my hand tonight. While he was watching his father play a game and I was reading (catching up an Dlanders) he reached over and took my hand, holding it tight. Something about a child cuddled up to you, holding your hand and resting his head on your shoulder that pushes the shadows back a little.

Now he is sleeping, My Darling is freshly shorn (I am becoming more adept at "fading") and I am just forcing myself to say something, anything. It has been more than two weeks since I have even stopped by to read other peoples diaries, let alone write in my own. It's too early for the black, how will I make it through the winter if I am already going dark?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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