You ever have a bad idea and you know from the start it is a bad idea but your heart says go for it? One of such ideas cost me dearly to obtain release while another gave me the greatest joys I have ever known. So many bad ideas in my past, so much pain that could have been avoided but also a few wonders I might have never known if I had not leaped into the abyss. So, how do you know when a bad idea is really a bad idea or just a bad idea that could end well?

Against: I am too old. The most important reason. We are not rich (barely qualify for middle class), another reason. The world is currently going to shit, not a small reason (although I think maybe the world has always been going to shit we just keep on keeping on).

For: The only reason? I want more. My Darling does as well although he defers to me for obvious reasons. I want more for Baby Boy. He deserves more than just us. Or maybe I just like to say those things because it suits my narrative. It's a bad idea and I know it, it could end horribly, in fact it is sure to, but I want it none the less. Of course the good news (well bad for me) is that I probably can't, the too old thing is self limiting. We can't afford all the scientific hail Mary passes that can circumvent that fact. So I am left wanting. Every month I want. I tell my Darling I have given up. I dismiss the wish because really wanting it hurts. I am tired of crying every month for something I know I shouldn't have. It is a bad idea. Bad for me, bad for my family, and bad for my wish fulfilled.

Yet, as I wait for the inevitable yet again this month, there in the small back corner of my irrational mind, I hope and wish.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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