My diary reading has joined my writing in that I rarely visit here every day and often need to spend some time catching up on the few folks I continue to follow. I struggle with wanting to be here and not feeling the drive to write. There was a time when I never logged out now I am loath to log in, not because I am not curious about my "friends" but because I feel guilt each time I read of others and neglect my own story. Maybe it is because my life has been neither hot nor cold. I continue to dislike my job although I like my customers for the most part. I am still very much in love with my Darling and Baby Boy (who is so not a baby any more) but for the most part things have fallen into a pattern of medium. There are things in the future and even recent past that I could speak of but I am not drawn to the computer to memorialize those moments. This place is where I clear my mind so as long as my mind is in neutral there is no reason to post. My readership has also changed and for better or worse it affects me, as much as I wish it wouldn't.

So why, you ask, (if anyone is out there) am I here right now? I am considering embarking on an intimidating new career. My Darling has been suggesting (with increasing frequency and fervor) that we purchase a local business that has been for sale for a while. It is a restaurant food service business and so my restaurant experience would be useful as well as my brief stint as a closer for a grocery store and working the books for a auto detail-ship. I am a reasonable baker/food preparer but still I feel as though it would be more than I could manage. Of course it is not as though we are looking to open a brand new restaurant 90% of which fail in the first year. This is an established business with some room to grow under new management. I do have the background and intelligence to do the job but I am fearful of the commitment, it would be mine to sink or swim..

Families have survived a family business. Children have grown up doing homework in the back of the dining room and busing tables and been better for the hard working attitude that is formed. But there is a price. Currently my son plays at daycare (would I be able to afford daycare?) He spends my days off running around doing errands with me or playing in his sandbox or with his trains (would he feel as though he is missing all the fun trapped in the business or would it be fun "helping"). How much more time would I lose with my Darling who already works too many hours and would be stuck picking up the slack that would be left by what I can only assuming would be long hours of my own.

These thoughts run around in my head keeping me awake. These are things I would like to talk about with my best friend or my therapist but my best friend is too far away and too busy with her own life so I don't want to bother her and I can't afford my therapist anymore (have you seen the price of gas? Costs me twenty dollars just to drive up there never mind the medical charges.) My Darling is supportive and encouraging, he believes in me more than I believe in myself. Although that isn't really true, I am certain I can do whatever I set my mind to. I can learn anything I need to learn to do a job. I have proved it over and over again in many different fields from automotive to technical to computers to service and so many more. It is the fear that holds me back.

I am afraid of losing my connection with my family. I am afraid of wanting this and then not getting it. I don't even know how much he is asking for the business, I have no details; I couldn't tell you if we could get the financing. I am way ahead of myself but that is what I do. I can't say, "Oh, I'll just wait until I have more information". I am just as afraid of wanting this and then not being able to get it as I am of getting it and finding out I don't want to do it, or I don't like what it means for my family.

Fear is my ever present demon. It steals my sleep and my sense of adventure. I was excited when I cast off my life, through caution to the wind and traveled off to see the world (the US at least) but then I was a whirling twirling Bipolar twisting in the wind. It didn't matter to me what happened, I had the freedom of madness. Now I have people who are really important to me, My Darling and my son are my world and I would do anything for them. I know if this is a success I might have more time, not less and we might have more money to ensure my sons future includes the opportunity to go to college if he chooses. But this is a risk and the losses might be devastating, I could lose everything. The idea of losing them worms its way into my dreams in the form of horrible car crashes, in a car driven by yours truly, resulting in the death of both of my cherished loved ones. These dreams are not confined to my sleep but haunt the twilight of my slumber preventing sleep.

I know that there is no safely and, with or without challenges and chances, there will always be the chance of losing. I need to be cautious without being fearful. I have to allow myself the ability to succeed. I can't keep living in neutral; it sucks away my creativity and steals my voice. Just the thought of this has drawn me back here. I think it will continue to require the mind dump as the challenges of past have.

Even if it doesn't happen I will have tried something and that is something right?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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