After my last post I not only continued to avoid posting but eventually stopped even reading. I just hid away (not in 3D, I owe I owe so off to work I always go). I wrote some essays, thinking that it was my frustration with politics and my desire to leave this place a a politic free zone but turns out even writing essays isn't much satisfying me these days. Nothing creative satisfies.

This month My Darling and I celebrated 4 years of marriage. Put that together with the four years we shared before we were married and this officially has become the longest relationship I have ever maintained (outside of familial) I can't even claim a friendship that lasted that long (well officially I have friends I have known that long but we haven't been continuous friends, drifting about as we have, and touching base here and there doesn't count I think.) If we include internet friends it gets sketchy but I digress. Eight years can go by fast. The six I spent with my ex dragged on forever but the eight with My Darling seems to have slipped through my fingers somehow.

This year, as our anniversaries past, we have stuck to the traditional gifts. The fourth year is flower or plant. I was happy to hear that and had no trouble thinking of a good gift although I had a little more difficulty in locating it. My Darling has a penchant for carnivorous plants and I sought a Nepenthes(pitcher plant)

and although I located several websites that sold them I wanted to see the plant first and be sure that it would be nice enough. I decided to check a locally owned nursery figuring they might be more likely to go out of their way a little and sure enough. The owner was great. Not only did he locate a plant but ordered it with no obligation for me to buy. When I looked at it I was sold though. I was kind of happy for the shop owner too. He told me he had never even known about these plants, in fact he wasn't all that impressed with it's size vs. price but before I could come and look at it he could have sold it a dozen times over.

It's a really cool looking plant.

I am still really pleased with myself. I am also quite pleased with My Darling who gave me the prettiest lotus flower earrings. They dangle and with my new shorter (on one side longer on the other so as to end up even now) hair style they twinkle just below my hair. I have already found the chance to wear them a couple of times and will try and find more occasions (or no particular occasion) to wear them. I am still very much in love with this man.

I am also very proud of him. He decided a year ago that he wanted to slim down. Since he is quite tall (6'5") he can carry quite a bit of weight and still look fine but when his weight began to interfere with his ability to ride and play he set about losing weight. A year later he has lost quite a bit and he continues to head off to the gym regularly. I am a little embarrassed as to the weight I have gained over the past year and my overall lack of ambition for removing it from my butt, and everywhere else. I have used the treadmill but not as much as I should and even run outside on the few days above freezing that we have enjoyed this spring (ok, I know it is climate change and I am no means a denier but please could I see just a bit of the warming, it's too damn cold here) but I am woefully behind on any actual weight loss/fitness regimen. I have that warrior race thing in three months and I don't want to huff and puff my ancient ass through the thing. I want to make a good showing. Still days go by and all I do is chug chocolate chips by the handful and eat rice krispie tre@ts. Sure I don't eat much on days I work and most days qualify as aerobic but nothing motivates me on those days off. It's not just exercise either. It's been thirty-eight days since I posted, thirty-eight!! That is ridiculous. For the first, what four years I posted every day just about. I know some would cut me some slack as I am a Mom and all but lets face it, that isn't really an excuse. I find plenty of time to peruse the internet and read about the politics that makes my blood boil. No, it's a lack of something else.

I spend hours cooking meals for my Darling and son and though they appreciate it they would be happy with a simple whip up/meat and potatoes thing (actually the kid prefers rice and noodles but you get my drift). My Darling wouldn't (doesn't) begrudge me time spent "doing my thing" any more than I begrudge him his time, although I am a little jealous of his biking. Of course it's not like I am any good at it and I'm more likely to fall and break something else but still I wish I could do it with him like we used to. That's not the way it goes when you have a child though. Especially when you have no family near. We have some family but not the leave 'em overnight kind. I hate even asking them to watch our kid during the day since they never ask us in return so I just feel rude. My folks came for our anniversary weekend and we got away to a beautiful B&B for two whole days. Then I spent the second night sick, the unfairness of it all.

So, lets recap. Long time gone. Back. Married a while, together longer than. Love My Darling. Lost my something, voice? motivation? mojo? Currently feeling a little sorry for myself.

Well, lets hope I got that out of my system. Self pity will not help me haul my butt though the mud and over the wall.

Send some warmth up this way and I promise (hand over heart) I will get my sorry self out onto the road. Nearing 50 is like crossing 30, you either give up or you say no way, this is still my life and I will not let it slide away from me out of laziness.

Still my life.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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