Not sleeping, crazy busy night has left my whirling. I have a lung thing going on and my legs are hurting, not cramps but shooting pains more irritating than anything. I have tried stretching and taken some ibuprofen to no effect. I hate this. The house is quite with only the cat stirring around as she will head off to bed soon. The only upside is that I have time to write. Of course I have no topic, just complaints.

Today is Valentines day and it was fine. I worked but I got out early and had a chance to at least see my Darling and son. I have home made cards from both Darling and son and that is nice. I opted for the store bought card despite my Darlings fondness for writings from me. It's strange. I have written love poems both sad and happy but I never know what to say to him.

He is my reward for having survived my stupid phase. He is loving and thoughtful. He knows me and though I irritate him on a daily basis with the side effects of my disease he lets it go and loves me anyway. I am not as thoughtful as he and often I think perhaps he married down, while I married up.

I am old, going through the change. I was able to have only one child and we both would have liked more. I will not be able to grow old with him as I will arrive at that definition far ahead of him. But then I see myself though his eyes. He loves me for all the things I have overcome to be here. I am brave, taking on tasks that most women shy away from. I fear abandonment yet I love anyway, still, with all my heart. I am a loving mother and I will stay with My Darling for as long as I can, for as long as I breathe because he is my other half, filling in the blanks in my story. How lucky I am to have him to share this part of my life. All that has gone before, the good, the bad and the deep agonizing pain has carried me to him and his warm embrace. He holds me even as I cry for no reason I can explain and loves me even when I don't love myself. Why I can never find these words when I stare at the card I have purchased that spoke to me but still leaves so much unsaid I can not tell you.

Lucky me, to know such love long after I had given up on it's existence and thanks to My Darling for sticking it out when I couldn't say "I love you".

I can say it now.

I Love You My Darling.

Time for me to crawl into bed with the love of my life.

Goodnight

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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