I sat down much earlier today to tell of my very busy weekend plans but the day interrupted and 14 hours later here I am a third of the way through the thing.

Most of the day was spent shopping. We used the gift card the kid had left from Christmas and bought (with help from Mom) a new game for the PC. He favors Thom@s the T@nk and we were lucky enough to have found one for his age range at one of the local chains, not the demon w@llmart, it pains me too much to support their garbage. Next stop, the book store to pick up a gift for my co-worker soon to depart for the west. I found an 'I can't cook book' and also a cook book from the company she will work for, very nice. The kid scored a telling time book (it's about time he learned I think). Last stop was the thrift store. One of my other co-workers petitioned me to wear red or pink with hearts for the big day Monday. Normally I don't dress up (or down) for holidays but she asked me specifically and I promised so I was looking for something appropriate for minimal investment. Also, My Darling complains that I don't have "girl" clothes. I do own what seems like a million sweaters which by definition are girl clothes (why are men never cold anyway?) but my t-shirt collection is either plain or worse hand me downs from My Darling. Today I found four nice girl style tops including a red t-shirt bearing "Be Mine" in a heart and matching heart earrings and bracelet. Grand total 18 dollars, I love the thrift store. Of course it spoils me for regular stores. I did, however, purchase a pair of C@alvin Kline cords brand new a couple of weeks ago on sale for 12 dollars; I wore them tonight and got compliments on them.

Tonight was the going away party. At my friends insistence I dragged my Darling and the kid along; they both did very well. The kid was well behaved and My Darling wasn't too bored I think. I couldn't help thinking a couple of things. One, how much I will miss this girl. My days at work were better because she was there and the day she and I didn't both work (Thursday) was always somewhat unpleasant for her absence. Soon every day will be Thursday for me. I am so sorry to see her go despite the fact that she deserves all the good things that are in store for her and I wish her nothing but well on her new adventure. My work life, however, will be a little more dreary without her. Maybe that is one of the reasons I am joining in with the holiday cheer. I'm trying to fill the hole that is coming.

Have you noticed how some people leave a bigger hole than others? Of course none of the holes are permanent. Centuries have passed and more humans have walked this earth than we can know but in our own lives there are empty spaces that exist at least for a time when someone passes from our lives. Some die and that hole hurts more for you know that they are gone from you forever. But some just move away, or perhaps you move away from them, either way they are gone and might as well be dead because most times you will never see them again. Other than a random visit home when an attempt is made to see "the old gang" they just move on to new lives. As to the hole. My co-worker will leave a big hole. She is universally liked. I don't know how that feels. Mind you, I had a very nice going away party at my last real job but it was free food and onsite. I don't know if most of them would have made an effort to go out at night to say goodbye. I am not universally liked. I am not universally unliked either. There are some who like me and some who don't, like most people experience I am sure. I, however, also enjoy the hatred of some. I am surprised at the emotional response I can elicit from some folks. I mean, there are people I don't care for but lets be honest, they are just people after all. Someone loves them which means they are not without redeeming qualities even if it is not my pleasure to know them that way. Every one has other sides and sometimes I just don't get to see a good side pointed in my direction. So I cut them some slack. I only get upset over the ones who have the power to affect my paycheck, and no matter what I do there is always at least one who can overlook all my hard work and find me undeserving of my position. Still it is outside my control, so be it.

Back to the hole. I am certain I will leave a very small hole. There are regulars who will ask for me and be disappointed I have left and there are co-workers who will miss me and maybe remember times but mostly they will move on. There will be no going away party, no presents, no one who will feel a loss. The question I have is how do I feel about that? What can I do to change that reality and more important do I really want to change? While it can be nice to be popular it does seem to come with responsibilities. When I was more sociable I had to spend time being, well, sociable. Now I am selfish with my time, choosing to spend it all on my family. On one hand, I would like to find something I enjoy doing like My Darling has his biking but I hate being away from him and my son. It is quite the conundrum. How do I take care of me when all me would like to do is take care of them? And what about that hole. What we leave behind are the brushes we paint on the people we know. We only live on in the memories of those around us. The hole doesn't last forever, maybe a generation, so how important is it? It's nice to think you will be missed but isn't it better not to miss anything in your life?

I think I am kind, that is my gift to those around me. I understand that living is hard, for some more than others but we all deserve a break. Even if I don't always get one, it is what I can do for others. I don't have money or a infectious humor but I have a kind heart and that will have to be enough because the rest of what I have is for my family. Legacy or not, tiny little hole, it is what makes me happy.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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