I know why I can't sleep. It's a problem I have had as long as I can remember. I can't stop worrying the events of the day when they have been particularly stressful.

This evening a girl I worked with walked out (quit) during her shift. She was having a very bad night, a situation I am more than familiar with and I am fairly good at my job (according to my manager, I still feel pretty sketchy some days). She dropped a tray of dirty dishes and followed up with dropping a tray of soups, very messy and very loud. There may have been additional problems I was unaware of, these were just the loud bits. We were short handed, luckily it was not a busy night so we weren't crazy or anything but the other server and I had to make sure our stuff was done before we could help. I headed into the kitchen to drop off dirty dishes and found that she had put the broken dishes into the regular trash. These included a particularly nasty sharp glass positioned in a way that left the nasty side facing up and dangerous. I removed them to the bucket designated for broken glass and headed out to see what was needed. There was still a lot of broken glass and the girl was finishing putting an order in (at least I thought she was finished.) Concerned that she might continue to put broken glass in the trash I said this, in a soft, kind voice:

"I know you are new and probably no one told you but you can't put glass in the trash. Let me know when you are ready and I will show you where it goes."

At this point she became even more upset and rushed into the kitchen. I let the manager know she was having a hard time and asked what we could do. He went back and she came back to the front. I asked the dishwasher to come and help clean up and the other server and I tried to calm her. She went on about how they were going to fire her and we assured her they wouldn't. I told her to take a minute, take a breath and then asked her "what can we do to help you" She started crying and talking about a pending divorce and how she was fine until I said something to her while she was trying to get her orders in. I apologized for upsetting her ("I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you") and asked again what we could do to help. She took off again, grabbed her coat, spent a few minutes trying to punch out and left.

These are the events as I perceived them, I am sure if you asked someone else it would be different (although the remaining server and manager had similar stories so I am thinking I was not far off.)

We pitched in together and got the absent servers tables cared for. The manager had to comp a few meals but we got through it. I stayed far later than I should have but that's the way it goes.

Now is the time that I go over the events and try and ascertain what I might have done differently and whether a change in my actions might have elicited a different result. I spoke to my manager, told him honestly what I said and the manner and spirit in which I said it. He seemed to think I was fairly blameless and that she was going to loose it no matter what. This may be true it may not be but I wonder nonetheless. Perhaps I could have waited to tell her about the glass disposal, but we could have been injured severely by the glass as she had left it, I was genuinely concerned. I could have offered to put her order in for her, having her read the order while I punched it in, relieving her of the stress of using the computer. I was on the edge of offering when she blamed me for her breakdown and I didn't know what to say other than to apologize and ask her how we could help. I should have made the offer, to take some of the pressure off.

I have so much empathy for her. The precipitating events to my time off last year was quite similar with out the walking off the job. I dropped a tray of food, then split syrup (sticky hot syrup) all over my self, in my hair down my shirt. I ran into the bathroom and cried like a baby. Then, I took a few breaths, went back out, finished the rush before heading home on my break to shower and returned to work to finish my shift. It was the next day I went in and asked for some time off.

Obviously, things were different for me. I assumed I was handling it very badly and that another person would handle it much better. I assumed my loss of control was due to my disease and a "normal" person would not have fallen apart like I did. Now I don't know this girls personal life other than what she shared in her distress but in hindsight I have to suppose I handled my situation ok, to the best of my ability and I should be proud of the fact that made it though and did what I had to instead of running away.

The biggest downside, for me, of the last nights events is this girl who quit is the darling of one of the managers, the one who vacillates from praise for me to write up for bogus reasons. This does not bode well for me. If she chooses to believe that I was the cause of the walk-out she will not be kind to me. While I know this is out of my control I can not help worrying about that as well.

So I worry and I wonder and I wonder and I worry and sleep is far away from my whirling mind. Sometimes I can turn it off by writing it all down (or typing as it may) which is why I am here. Who knows, maybe this time I crawl into bed sleep won't elude me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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