I haven't visited my stats much lately, since I have been posting pretty rarely there's no reason, besides not much of a readership left, see above for the reason. But on December 14th someone stopped by and read my entire diary, in one sitting it appears. 608 pages visited (I have 604 entries) and only two IP's. I am a little in awe, really, that's a lot of reading. My downloaded backup is 532 pages (that's 8.5 x 11 pages) written over the course of 6+ years. Wow, really. I don't know whether to be complimented or nervous. It's not likely to be anyone I know seeing as this is a random kind of site and random (sort of) user name. It's possible but not probable. I've never read my diary, skimmed it when I downloaded it (just to correct typo's which are far more frequent than I care for) but never an actual read. I wonder sometimes if I should format the hard copy and print it out as a book just to have a history of this time of my life. My Mom has a diary (she won't let me read it) and I would love to "meet" the younger her but then again I do understand her reticence, I don't think I would want my son reading my diary either. Ok so back to my mystery reader. If you haven't moved on and are still reading would you mind saying hello?

I am still hoping to get better about posting more frequently. It's a lot harder now that I don't have a desk job with a lunch hour. The three year old isn't the best at letting Mommy type away either. With my vastly improved sleeping habits writing time is curtailed significantly. Still, I am missing out on the opportunity to have a record of this time in my life, this brilliant time as I raise my son. I don't really want to turn this into a "look how great my kid is" site, it should still be my thoughts and feelings but I realized I don't often share my feelings about the activities of our days.

We are currently working our way through a difficult time. It's hard on me because I feel as though he is always in time out (which is probably hard on him too). I am strict about certain things, like doing what he is told to do without whining, complaining or (as he has become fond of doing) yelling with his mouth closed. Think MMMMMMMM!! really loud. Of course I can't talk over it and I don't want to yell and perpetuate the "volume makes you right" conflict resolution technique. First and for most because it never leads to resolution but also because it gives me a headache. I grew up in a loud household, my mother could scream so loud she could be heard blocks away. She spent her days screaming at one of us. As a kid I was upset by it but as an adult I feel for my mother. It often seems as though my son refuses to listen unless he is commanded at full volume. Don't get me wrong, we always begin with reasonable requests but after the whining, arguing and the new MMMMM we finally arrive at yelling before the request is followed. Sometimes even yelling produces no positive response and off to time out he marches. Often he continues his punishment by being sent to his room and in extreme cases we shut the door and leave him in bed. Lately I have stopped yelling and gone straight to time out when he refuses to do what he is told.

To be sure we are fortunate. He doesn't kick or scream, and when placed in time out remains there. We do need to make sure he doesn't play with his legs or socks but otherwise he is good about it sitting quietly until he is released. Continuing to whine and cry in time out garners him the bedroom escalations. He doesn't mouth back much other than the occasional "I don't want to" or the irritating MMMMMMM! And he has revised his behavior on a lot of issues successfully using this system. Far better than my mothers system that sometimes involved chasing us around hitting us with a wooden spoon.

Trouble is I hate the feeling that I am disciplining him all the time with no fun to balance it. Daycare is far more lax,couple that with the other kids to play with and he is happier there and begs to go and then not to leave. On the outside it looks as though he hates going home for some reason and he does. No fun, all sorts of punishment and no one to play with. Sounds like a bummer to me. I know he loves us and he wouldn't really want to stay at the daycare lady's house but it still makes me feel bad. He is a good kid and obviously loves us so no one really thinks we beat him or anything but I feel bad nonetheless.

To try and make home better I include him in the housework and cooking where I can so he and I "play" together and get our chores done too. In the summer he is outside a lot, but still alone.

I don't have any answers other than the ones I have already determined. I don't want to yell all the time so he will spend more time in time out till he figures out how to listen and do when he is told. Not perfect but I am hoping preferable to the loud household I remember.

Still makes me feel bad.

Right now he is cuddled up to me, as I write, watching Ice @ge for the 50th time, lol. Gotta go snuggle, hug, kiss. He won't want for physical affection, that's for sure, and I love you's either. Lots of I love you's.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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