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2010-09-16 - 9:47 p.m.

So the not sleeping thing is getting old, fast. It's been a while since I have had such an extended sleeplessness. Before I took my break I think. It could be just a coincidence that it is happening now, right after I went back to my old schedule. The stress is growing as well. Today sucked because I worked so hard to pound down my frustration (I even took my medication to calm me down), I told myself that it is futile to complain because management doesn't care (I know this is true because they have told us). A few people play favorites and the rest of us just have to eat it because they don't care. The main beneficiary of the largess is a woman who brags about her family fortune and spends her money on jewelery and shoes. Meanwhile I am struggling to buy groceries and pay medical bills. She knows they play favorites but only complains when she isn't being treated fairly. Should I be mad at her? How about the people playing favorites, they are just helping their friend and don't much like me anyway, should I be mad at them? Or is it managements problem, should they insist that things be done fairly insuring a happy workforce, or is it all about the customers employees be damned? Or maybe it's just me, maybe I just need to learn that this is my place, this is what I deserve, I must take the leavings of the world because I don't deserve any better. I know if I could truly accept my lot I would feel much better. My "righteous" anger does nothing for me but make me miserable.

So I don't sleep, running the reality through my head wishing I had just choked down my feelings again.

I got myself in trouble with a wry statement. After being skipped in the rotation for the third time I said "maybe I should go home, looks like P and A have got things handled" A reference to the fact that out of the last 6 seatings they had received 5 of them. I was pounced upon, blamed for a perceived "miss" on the one table our section got (not mine, I was still waiting for a table) and then talked to by the manager (who did not witness the exchange) for escalating things (I'll accept instigating as it was my black humor that started it, but not escalating, that belongs to the others in the exchange).

And now, I am here, going over it again, wishing I could be more like the people who seem to engender so much adoration from the folks who dole out the bread and butter, yet I have no real desire to be more like them,I don't much care for them and the feeling is more than mutual. Still it feels like I am raging against the wind, I don't want to be that person, I want to be calm, accepting, peaceful. I want Peace.

I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like I am so irritating to be around. I try so hard to be nice. I am tired of not being allowed to be myself and having to hold everything in all the time. I am tired of being on the opposite side of the picture from everyone else in my word. It all looks so different to me and in that I am alone. I am tired of feeling like those who love me and whom I love see me as a child, needing to be scolded, and I feel bad about all the many things I simple can not do well enough. I am tired of feeling as though everything is always my fault and even more exhausted with the reality that it really is all my fault.

If I had just kept my mouth shut today I would have escaped the managers view. Knowing that things will not change means I must, absolutely must, shut my mouth and let it go.

I'm just so very tired.

And I can't sleep you see, which means I just keep getting more tired.

I'm off to try again, maybe now that I got it down I can let it go.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

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