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2010-07-20 - 7:33 a.m.

I was supposed to be at work this week but for some reason they didn't put me on till next week. I thought I called soon enough last week to get on this weeks schedule, the GM even said he expected I would be on but evidently the scheduler thought otherwise. SOK, just one more week off, not such a bad thing. I am looking forward to making some money. I am not used to being financially dependent. Not that I could support myself as a waitress but at least I felt comfortable spending my money. Now every time I want something I think "can I live without it?" and usually don't buy it because I don't want to spend money for anything other than family essentials. I use my cookie money at the thrift store because it is mostly for me. I hope I can find a job like I had in CA after Baby boy heads off to school. I don't think I can be the stay at home Mom. Even if I ended up writing (and after reading other people on the web who are struggling to make a living, I am less than confident of my own skills) I would still be trapped in my home with no one to talk to but the cat and frankly she just isn't that interesting. She's a little rude as well, boldly hopping up on counters and cupboards anytime she knows I am too far away to smack her. And she looks at me with that "what do you think you are going to do about it" look. The chickens are no better, demanding to be let out, pooping in the garage and on the porch. Bah, what a mess.

Then there is the house cleaning. Yes I know if I was in touch with my inner Zen I could get lost in the moment and enjoy even the mundane jobs around the house. Some days I do enjoy it. I like cleaning in general but I get bored with the never ending quality. The jobs I have enjoyed the most had a beginning, middle end quality about them. Working as an auto mechanic is a fine example. Car comes in and doesn't work right, by the time you are done, vroom, it's out of there. Yeah you might see them again but not every day. There was a real sense of accomplishment. I know it could be said that waitressing has that quality after all people come in hungry, you take their order, deliver their food and they leave full but that's not quite how it goes. You take care of many tables at the same time and the sense of accomplishment is muddled by the fact that you always have a table waiting to order or waiting for food. There is no moment when you can sit back and feel done. When I worked as a lab technician there was a beginning middle and end to the experiments even if the next day you were doing the same test. Field service was good too because trouble shooting problems is my favorite thing. I like home repair too. Beginning, middle and end make the difference for my self satisfaction.

Again you might argue that cleaning the kitchen leads to a clean kitchen and thus self satisfaction. The trouble is a: it never stays clean for very long and b: you clean the kitchen several times a day if you stay home, unless you leave dishes from one meal to another. I wonder sometimes if other people do that. I wonder if really clean people have spotless houses all the time. I know my in-laws do. They never leave anything for later. My Darlings family are all really, really clean. Makes me feel like a slob in comparison. I always see my house different when they are around. I see dirt and clutter and I know they don't have houses like mine. I would like to have a house more like theirs but then I would have to give up my books, and my rocks, my strange art and all the things I have gathered in my 46 years. The lack of storage in our place doesn't help. They all have packed basements filled with I don't know what so I guess they are more like me than I thought, just more storage space.

All except for my Darlings folks, they are aliens keeping things in an alternate dimension, I am sure of it. If you looked in their home you would swear there was nothing extra, the basement is an additional apartment but then she will pull things from my Darling's childhood out of nowhere. Just when I think she couldn't possibly have anything else tucked into the non-existent space some other thing materializes. Aliens I tell you.

I have spent weeks trying to get the garage cleaned out. Throwing things away, putting up shelves, but every time I clear a space something else appears. I guess I live in an alternate universe from my in-laws. Instead of pockets of storage "elsewhere" things appear out of nowhere and land in my garage and shed. It's impossible to stay ahead of the deluge.

Now you see why I want to head off to work, if I don't have to look at it I can pretend it doesn't exist. My Darling must experience a bit of that to get through the days. I know he has the neater than neat gene so living with me can't be easy. Periodically he experiences a OMG this place is a mess, meltdown but since he can't store without storage space (or an alternate dimension accepting stuff vs. spitting it out) he heads out and mows the lawn. Three hours later he is over it.

Sigh, I suppose I should be happy about that. He loves me despite my lack of clean gene. Could be worse, you should see my folks place. I'm pretty sure they haven't thrown anything out in 50+ years. Dad wouldn't even let me throw my stuff out in his presence, fishing stuff out of my pile of trash "this is still good, maybe the kids can use it". As they contemplate moving closer to their grandchild they are finally coming to terms with how much they have accumulated and beginning the process of weeding the place out in the hopes of moving in a couple of years. Unless they up the pace they aren't going to make it.

Goodness, what a lot of clutter in this page. I guess I should finish up here and get back to cleaning up my novel, or my kitchen, I'm not sure which yet.

Have a good one.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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