Really late on my ten minutes today.
Gotta a call from and old friend we used to be real close.

OK not really, that's actually the start of a Billy Joel tune.

I did get a call from a long lost friend (of the CA variety) and we talked for a while. Well she talked, I laughed and cried.

She thinks I am changing (yes, I think that too) not just physically as is the change of life but needing to change because I am stuck, buried.

She asked me "how do you eat an elephant"? I'm thinking of the punchline...very carefully?.. with a big spoon? Um, I don't know, how do you eat an elephant? Apparently, one bite at a time.

I stand out in my yard and see all the gardens that need attention, including the vegetable garden and I am overwhelmed. I go inside and look around my house, which isn't dirty but isn't clean either and I am overwhelmed. I think about work or writing or exercise and I am overwhelmed. It all feels like too much. The days slip by and more of nothing done to pile up behind me. A whole lot of nothing. Everything is too big, like an elephant. Too much to even contemplate let alone do.

How does one move from a person who worked every day (I mean 7 days a week) to someone who doesn't want to do anything. Ten years ago I was working two jobs seven days a week while my ex wiled away the summer days at the beach claiming that he couldn't work because of his back. (Later the excuse would be his knee). As we launch into summer I feel guilty, as though I am no better than he, depending on My Darling to carry the load as I once shouldered the burden back then. Now I know it's a little different. I am taking care of the house and our son while back then I was breadwinner and housefrau. I am not lazy but then again I am. I find myself unmotivated until shortly before my Darling is due to come home when I look around and think, crap, I've done nothing today, again, AGAIN. So I try and do some stuff and I do accomplish a bit, just think what I could do if I started the day with the same effort. I need to think smaller, so I don't feel buried. One room at a time inside, one garden at a time outside.

None of that addresses that real problem, I am lost, evidently I don't "sound" like me even to my friend. My Darling wants me to find myself, which is why he is supporting me. I just need to make sure I'm not doing the equivalent of laying on the beach.

I addition to the ten minutes my friend suggested a grateful list.

here goes.

Grateful for My darling who is willing to give me time to find myself. Baby Boy who likes me just fine most of the time. Sunshine, greenness and rain at night for sleeping.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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