So I must write for ten minutes every day. That is the agreement I have with my new therapist.

For today the topic will be "My New Therapist" or "How is it I can tell my story again and again and still lose it in the middle?"

Every time I begin therapy with a new person I am forced to try and explain myself. I believe in order to be helped you must be honest, to the best of your ability. While I understand that the truth is, in part, perception and my perception of my life is by definition skewed by my preconceived notions I still try and be forthright and open. I am still taken by surprise by how I am perceived by professionals. The last guy was dismissive while this woman seems kind. Hard to tell right now but she is at least in agreement with me that I need to find (create) tools for dealing with the emotional issues that currently plague me.

We talk. I tell her my childhood, some of my troubles over the years, bits and pieces like flipping through a photo album and only talking about a page here and a page there. Disjointed in nature but like my life in so many ways. I am disjointed. My perception is that most people see their life as a line through time, a path if you will, leading from there to here. I don't see my life that way. My life jumps around, different times different mes with little connection between them. there is chronology to trace from there to here, I can tell you where I was physically from that time to now but the person is and isn't me. I feel detached. I have always felt detached from my life.

There have been times that I really enjoyed my life, at least to extent that the activities of my life were fun. The manic times were bright and shiny, I loved feeling that and I noticed the attention it attracted. Almost all of it was positive. But once it flies out of control you feel like you are floating outside your life watching it play out like a bad movie.

Maybe that is the metaphor for me. My life is a series of vignettes, performances by the same actor in multiple roles. In the latest vignette, she is a wife and mother, who loves her family but can't seem to function in the real world.

Ten minutes is all I promised, tonight I did twenty but My Darling waits for me so I will see you tomorrow for ten.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�