Things have been a little less than center around here (even I don't know what that means and I wrote it). Since before last weeks session with the therapist I have been struggling with what he was saying and the lack of help he was providing. Our first session was the lets decide if you actually need help and I (meaning him) will decide what that help shall be. After a side trip to the shrink (who offered a more concrete solution, albeit tentative, with a change in medication) I was sent back to the therapist to discuss methods for dealing with the emotions and stress. Session number two was more of a get to know you kind of thing with the suggestion that I take things too seriously (you think), Don't understand human nature or at the very least, don't accept it. People are evidently incapable of rational, reasonable exchanges in the workplace and I am deluded to think it should be otherwise. My short term memory problem and emotional overload are simply part and parcel of my inability to accept the world and myself for what they are, a huge steaming pile of crap.

This has been disturbing me all these past days. I sit down to write and then I am lost as to what I should say. How is it that the truth is that people (myself included) are all just icky little creatures stumbling around banging into each other until one day we die. There is nary a worry for this outcome because there is no hole left behind that lasts longer than a generation or two. With that reality staring people down you think they would be kinder to each other. This is a one time ride and people are wasting it hating each other. I can't work up a good hate but I get frustrated with the people who draw such relish in smacking down the people around them. My therapist even spotted and suggested one of my co-workers might actually purposely sabotage me while I was simply taking myself to task for not paying better attention. All the attention in the world won't help you if someone is looking for an opening, at some point you will look away and that is when they pounce.

I don't deal in God. I neither believe nor disbelieve I simply do not have enough proof on either side to make a decision. My Darling is an atheist. He doesn't see any reason to believe in a God so he doesn't. We are both often asked how we will teach our son morals without using religion. I have actually heard antagonists suggest that without a God there would be no reason to do anything good. Human without God concept would turn into animals, the only thing that separates us from the beasts is religion...Really! Seriously!! Sounds to me like THEY need a God to be good. To me it seems obvious. Intellect + Compassion = Awareness. All life has value. Every human matters to someone and so should matter to everyone. My practice isn't good enough to loft me to any semblance enlightenment but I know that everyone is doing the best they can.

Now back to the therapist who posited my mere acceptance of the "reality" of human nature should be enough to change my world. I don't get it. No "tools" to help me in the heat of the moment other than "don't let it get to you" Really, that's the best you can give me. I tell him that I know I need to exercise to feel better and he says why, are you uncomfortable just sitting? I am speechless for a moment, surely he knows the difference between not doing anything because you need to relax and not doing anything because you can't bring yourself to move.

When I left his office it almost seemed as though he thought we were done, like you know all you need to know have a nice life kind of done. I explained that the shrink said I should see the therapist once a week until I went back at the end of the month so he said fine, I could set another appointment. Now I wonder if I will just walk in and sit while he just repeats himself.

All your problems are because you can't accept yourself and the world. What do I do with that, how do I turn that into a plan of action. Expect the worst that human nature has to offer and delight in any instance of compassion?

At least the sun is shining.

I'm going to go out and run a little (my butt is getting bigger as we speak and nothing (I mean nothing) fits me comfortable but stretchy fat clothes. I have to get back to work before I turn into the blob.

Let you know what happens tomorrow, promise.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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