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2010-03-08 - 1:53 a.m.

Almost two and I am awake. These nights are fewer than they used to be but I can not seem to escape them completely. I lay in bed for a while listening to My Darling snore softly before giving up and slipping downstairs to surf the late night internet. Sometimes I am lucky enough to catch a friend from CA for a chat but tonight I am alone, for all intents and purposes as i know there are millions from all over the world surfing with me.

Yesterday was my last Sunday at work. I have been removed from Sunday in deference to my difficulties with stress and my continued emotional instability. My Therapy begins this week and the doctor assures me she is a stern taskmaster. She will crack the whip and push me out into the world armed to face it all alone. Hopefully I am up to the task. I don't want to fail at yet another thing. I have already disappointed at so many points in my life it's hard to face another. I manage to parent every day by ignoring the future and parenting in the moment. I try to be kind yet firm. I don't know how I am doing and since no one can really tell me I have to just run blind and hope for the best (just like every one else.)

Still thinking and working towards cake decorating. Possible PT employment or self employment lies in that direction or at the very least, relaxation. I also look forward to the warmth of spring and the freedoms that provides. I long to walk (and even run) in the outdoors. I would like to remove the extra pounds that hang on my body. When I was younger the weight was a part of me but now, since I have experienced life without extra physical baggage, the pounds seem an afterthought, hanging uselessly off of me. It moves independent of me and that is both irritating and uncomfortable. It's not that I am fat, I am only carrying 10 extra pounds but they sit on me externally and my awareness of them is keen. Off they must go. Exercise is part of my therapy anyway. I just hope Baby Boy is ok with being pushed along in the jogger. I suppose he will enjoy being "outside" as he likes to say (he actually begged to go out all summer long last year).

I can't stay up, it's not good for me. I hate taking something to put me back to sleep but the stuff they gave me isn't addictive or harsh and I have no hangover in the morning so I might as well.

It's good for me to write here. I know that despite my reluctance. I wish I were more faithful but at least I find my way back here after a while. Few people read and I realize that I am disappointed but it is probably better that they don't. I have been too concerned about the acceptance of others over the years. This diary has always been first and for most an opportunity for me to straighten out my head. I must remember that and force myself to do this.

OK, off to bed and good dreams I hope.

Night-night

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

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