Every morning i come to Dland and look for entries from my favorite writers. I'm always disappointed when there are no entries. Of course it rarely occurs to me that anyone might be looking forward to hearing from me. I started the year with a plan. I have followed through although you would not know that unless you follow me elsewhere. I wanted to get some help. Therapy to help me function better. The therapist sent me to a neuropsycologist who did a workup on me presented a diagnosis based on the results.

First of all the do nots...

I do not have early onset dementia.

I do not have MS.

I do not have a brain tumor.

As for what is wrong, it seems to be a combination of factors.

I do have a Vitamin D deficiency which can affect cognition as well as mood.

I do have a Mood Disorder (well medicated enough that he was doubtful of the diagnosis) and am currently suffering major depression.

He blames the depression on my "poor fit" in my job. His recommendation is that I find another job. Of course he lives in his little psychological bubble somewhat and had to be reminded that the economy has left a large chunk of american citizens unemployed and/or under-employed. Years working in labs and manufacturing and now all I can find is server. I am lucky, lots of professionals don't have an option to serve. They are stuck in minimum wage positions.

Last but not least, he recommends exercise and some form of mental exercise. "You live near a collegiate town" he says, "you should find a club or class you can take to stimulate your mind".

Oh, evidently I am not stupid. The news is a mixed blessing. While it's nice to have someone tell you that you are intelligent it leaves me also feeling like I should be doing better because I am smart enough which makes me feel bad about not doing better.

The day after I am delivered this "good" news I start having chest pain on the way to work. I keep working and hoping the pain will go away but it just stays and eventually my left arm starts hurting as well, pulse is up, can't take deep breaths, Crap...Now I am having a heart attack. So I leave work and drive myself to the hospital (yes I know that wasn't the brightest idea Ms. Smarty pants ever had but I couldn't believe it was actually a heart attack.) My Darling scrambled from his job over to the hospital where it was evident pretty early on that it wasn't a heart attack (tests were all neg) still they have a protocol so I was kept overnight and stress tested the following morning.

The result...

I am in excellent shape for my age. Heart is good, recovery is good, nothing to worry about.

Final diagnosis, non-cardiac chest pain most likely caused by esophageal spasm. Gastrointestinal, stress related, stupid, costly chest pain.

I am back to work, although next week isn't going to be full time because my Daycare provider is on vacation. I haven't forgotten through all this what my goal was in starting. The Brain guy does think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be helpful for improving my functioning along with everything else he recommended and perhaps therapy and meds for the depression (meds for depression don't like me so we aren't going there unless we absolutely have to).

Tanning booth and supplements for Vitamin D.

Exercise (My Darlings on board with his own exercise program so I'm co-opting a bit of his programs) and relaxation (yoga was suggested but it's too expensive around here so maybe Tai-chi again).

Deep Breathing exercises for relaxation.

and finally, therapy to help me deal with it all.

That's where I am at, right on the edge of the water, still dipping my toe in, don't really want to get wet and suspicious the the water is far colder and unpleasant than it looks.

*Sigh*

Cannonball?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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