January 1st, a day of resolutions and reflection. I have never seriously attempted a resolution, well not a first of the year resolution. I did resolve to quit smoking before I turned forty (which I did) and the following year I quit drinking (in January, although it wasn't a resolution so much as simply the time I finally said enough) but no "start the year with a whole new perspective" which melts away before the January snow. This year is no different. I have no desire to set myself up for failure I have had enough of that in my life, past and more recently. I am hoping, however, to make a few small changes that may set in place some long term changes in my life.

I am unhappy, I have been that way for a long time. My disease perpetuates the problem and I am never sure how much of the problem is situational and how much is the disease. All I know is that I am in deep and can't find my way out by myself. My Darling tries to help but he lacks the skills to do more than make me feel bad that I am like this. It's not his fault, he loves me but there are so many problems associated with BP besides the obvious mood distortion. There is the cognitive defect that makes a relatively intelligent woman appear to be an idiot. I also suffer from deafness (not so much deaf as missing a word here or a word there changing the meanings of sentences and/or making them nonsensical.) It not only complicates my personal life but my work life as well. Couple that with the moods and there are days when I just want to crawl into a hole.

Don't get me wrong I have so much that should make me happy. I have My Darling and my incredible Baby Boy. My parents are still here and able to enjoy my new life with me. We have enough to eat, a home and jobs (albeit not my job of choice, a job none the less) in the state with the worst unemployment in the country.

So, how to set change in motion.

First I fired my shrink. OK, not really, she ditched me. Not personally mind you, she just changed her schedule to only two days a week, the two days I work all day. I might not have taken it so personally but she was aware of this difficulty and didn't warn me during our last appointment. It was a strange session filled with lots of "you'll be fine" and "you're a strong woman" and a bit of the bums rush out only to find that she would no longer take appointments on my only available day. This leaves me forced to schedule an appointment with the other shrink in the office whom, I repeatedly informed the girl scheduling the appointment, I had never seen. With my next appointment with the new Dr. scheduled and I went home feeling dumped. Two days later I get a call, the doctor will be unavailable on the date scheduled so I now I must reschedule. Three months after that, the day before my appointment, the office calls again and tells me "Oops, we didn't schedule the right length appointment, we didn't know it was a first appointment". I'm thinking, you have got to be kidding, don't you listen to you patients or read your own records. The next available appointment...the same day of my sons surgery. Big no there. After that, three weeks. I ask if the doctor could stay late and see me since it is their mistake, nope, just have to wait. Since I don't this man at all and they managed to screw things up not once but three times I figure I'll just chuck the lot of them. After all, I'm a strong woman, right? I'll be just fine, right?

Trouble is, I'm not fine, far from it. I need help, My Darling needs help to deal with me. Shrinks just want to add more medication but I don't want drugs I want skills.

Long story leading to a simple decision.

I'm going to find a therapist. With the new parity laws in place it will not be nearly as expensive as it used to be. I can afford to go more often. I want to learn how to function more successfully. I think my depression is, in part, coupled to my cognitive defects. I feel bad about how stupid I have become. I need to find my happy place inside. I need to learn how to be happy.

Maybe I'll do a little exercise because I know it will make me feel a little better. I'm definitely going to a tanning salon to get some much needed UV light. But the most important change is the therapy. I learned when I quit my vices the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and that you can't fix it on your own.

I am broken and I can't fix me by myself, I need help.

It has not been the grand gestures that precipitate the important changes in my life. It's the baby steps. One foot in front of the other. Short term goals. First step, pick a therapist and make an appointment. By next week.

Maybe I'll even write a bit more frequently.

Happy New Year!!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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