The past is like an iceburg isn't it? So much of it sits below your conscious mind and only when we dare to plunge into the icy waters are we able to see the mass beneath. Every time I consider a foray into my past I am gripped with a feeling of anxiety. It seems so much easier to let sleeping dogs lie. I have compartmentalized my life and once the door is closed it is hard to reopen it. My curiosity about figures from my past has led me to seek out a few people but fear, or maybe a desire to distance myself from more turbulent times has kept me sheltered and cut off from anyone and everyone whose path once coincided with mine.

Until today. Today i "talked" to someone I haven't seen in more than twenty years. She talked of people and places from my past and thinking about them still makes me want to crawl back into my shelter. I don;t want these people to know me and I'm not sure why. I like my life pretty much. Considering everything I have it good. My Darling loves me despite my many issues and the fact that I am here rather than snuggled up in bed where I belong. My baby boy who still thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread (as though he cares about sliced bread but you get my point). A medication that makes me almost normal (or at least allows me to blend into a crowd). I shouldn't be shy around people who knew me when I was a puddle of goo. I am a grown woman now, perusing a life I have chosen willingly and in fact joyfully.

*Sigh*

I wish I knew why the small act of opening my life to the scrutiny of people who used to be my friend makes me so upset. It's like Pandora's box, I have opened the box and let out a plague upon my emotions.

No answers, as usual, just me letting go a little so I can sleep. Now if my medication will just kick in and put me over the edge into sleep.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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