I am consistently amazed that one can do their job conscientiously and faithfully placing a priority on providing the best service within their power and still be under valued to the extent that an obviously isolated mistake produces a disciplinary action. Add to the incredulousness the management attitude that one should "blow off" said action because it is "no big deal". (If it is such a minor thing then why document at all). I do not receive black marks such as this (after three years my file contains only this one). No matter how hard I work and how seriously I treat my employment I continue to be treated the same or worse than the folks who breeze in and out of the place with nary a care.

Let it go they all say. No big deal. But I am not built that way. It is a big deal and I don't know how to let it go. I desperately wish I could find any kind of position that would release me from this hellhole but I refuse to work more hours for less money. This service position provides the best pay for hours worked that I can find right now.

My Darling would like to see me writing for a living (so would I) but I can't bring myself to cold calling/door to door salesman type stuff necessary to work in the writing for a paycheck market. "You too can spit out blurbs for whatever businesses are to cheap to pay someone full time." The only other ways to earn money from writing would be the technical writing market (very difficult to break into despite my many years experience as part of other jobs) and books (even harder to break into).

Maybe I should write a book about a waitress.

I guess the down has arrived, hastened perhaps by circumstance but no matter, it is here and I feel bereft. I try and get lost in my Darling and the easy happiness of Baby boy. Last night we chased him around the living room and then he chased us, all the while we giggled and laughed. I try so hard to be happy for them. I don't want Baby boy to see how sad his mommy is lest he somehow decides it is his fault. It is hard enough to convince My Darling that my moods are independent of him and his actions.

Two days of smiling service before me. I cringe.

Thank goodness for chocolate chip cookies.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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