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2009-01-05 - 8:07 a.m.

I have been avoiding this; writing in general and a specific event that recently happened. Normally I would have run here to work it out but I can�t seem to find the time, which translates into I don�t want to for some reason. I would find the time if I really wanted. I guess I can leave that alone for now because I am here after all.

To the event�

Whilst relaxing on my couch in the evening last week I received a phone call. The voice on the other end was vaguely familiar and after a few moments and some identifying information I knew it was my friend from so long ago. This is the woman with whom I shared an apartment, spent my twenties partying around, and had been maid of honor at her wedding. This is the same woman who cut me off, so it seemed at the time, when I had needed her most. After I had seen her through a nervous breakdown, when I had held her as she sobbed, and I loaned her money while she and her husband changed careers, she pulled away from me as I descended into my own personal hell, diagnosed as bipolar, manic and depressed.

Of course the contact was my own fault. Last year when I moved I found some of her poetry, written in her own hand and protected by plastic sheets, and I felt that rather than throwing them away I should return them to her. When they didn�t fit into the envelopes I had I recycled one of my husbands work envelopes covering his name with the address sticker believing that she wouldn�t look beneath and/or the label would destroy the name if removed. I was wrong. She found his name and waited for a year to see if I would contact her and when I didn�t she looked up his name, called and asked for me.

Bonehead!

I didn�t hang up, or get angry with her I just listened, shared what had happened in my life since she withdrew and learned where her life had gone during the same time. Both of our lives had changed radically.

We edged around the reasons for our falling out, I admitted to not truly understanding the separation and she suggested hurt feelings (on her part) and a change in behavior on my part. My behavior at the time was classic bipolar manic, poor judgment, hyper sexuality, heavy drinking, etc. She said she didn�t understand. When I told her I had been diagnosed as BP and I was suffering, she wanted to know why I didn�t tell her. I reminded her that she stopped taking my calls at the time when I was looking for a friend to talk about my mental health. I would have told her if I could have. I made several attempts to reconnect even going so far as to ask her to be my maid of honor for my ill fated first marriage. She responded (to my recollection, which is different from hers) by suggesting we were no longer close and perhaps I would be better off asking someone else. I was devastated. I had gifted her with her wedding dress for gods sake and she couldn�t bring herself to be my MOH. To her recollection she was complaining that I never spent any time with her and she was hoping we would get together and talk about it before deciding.

I asked someone else, someone I hadn�t seen in years although we wrote letters back and forth, and she came all the way from CA to stand at my side. Even after losing her fianc� in a tragic accident a week before my wedding she still showed up. She is my friend to this day; I stood up at her wedding (six months pregnant) and most recently she came from CA to visit me and meet my Baby Boy. She has never failed to be there when I needed her.

But my friend from long ago left me feeling as though I asked too much. She hinted that I was a needy friend, calling all the time. Even when I was young I always felt as though I was the one instigating activities with friends. If I didn�t call they wouldn�t call me. I felt as though if I didn�t push I would be alone, no one caring for my friendship enough to seek me out. She reinforced this belief in me.

The was a night when I had had too much to drink and needed someone to see me home safe. It was late and intrusive for me to call but there was a time not that long before that I had answered the phone too late and driven my friend all over looking for what turned out to be a cheating boyfriend. I was a shoulder to cry on and saw her home safe. Standing at the payphone outside of a bar I realized that she was not that friend to me. She wouldn�t get out of bed and come to my rescue. Once when a favorite cat of mine was dying she and her husband drove me to the emergency vet clinic at 11 pm but she made me feel as though I was asking a lot. I had to beg her to help and she never quite understood why I didn�t just drive myself. She didn�t understand why I was so distraught. Hell I didn�t know, I hadn�t been diagnosed yet, I was just out of control and needed her.

So back to last week. She is there on the other end of the line telling me my behavior and her hurt feelings and disappointment over our failed venture into the entertainment world led to her withdrawal. What do I say? What do I do?

Her life wasn�t peaches and roses at that time either. She was struggling in her marriage and discovering her sexual preference was not what she thought. Since our last contact she has separated from her husband and had a long term relationship with a woman. The relationship is now ended and she finds herself alone (as she puts it) rattling around in her big house, and she calls me.

I haven�t experienced anyone willing to explore the intricacies of the universe or talk of the wonders of science and philosophy since she and I spent endless nights talking. I learned of relativity and physics, studied religions and humanity with her and I remember feeling quite alive then. Of course I should remember that I was manic at the time and much of my emotional memory is tainted by the artificial euphoria that accompanies such times. I suffered severe depression at the time as well, cycling more and more rapidly as time went on.

I miss her.

People change, My Darling says, and I know he is right. But sometimes people don�t change. How do I know if she is only reaching out because she is alone? She always had my folks to contact me through, they always forwarded my mail. She never sought me out of her own accord, even when she received the package last year. It was only after her breakup that she thought to call.

I don�t know if I want to start up with her. I don�t trust her or her motives. I don�t want to be hurt again. Also I am not that person anymore and I don�t want to be sucked back in time.

She has given me her numbers and an invitation to call. I have given her my schedule so she can catch me at home (not my cell). I just don�t know what I want to do. I know My Darling will support my decision but it is my decision to make and I can�t. It doesn�t help that I am currently depressed and suffering from the loss of my job, working as a server and struggling with money. I want to put this up on a shelf with everything else I just don�t want to deal with.

There it is, all I have right now.

All I want to talk about for now.

I have to get ready for work�now.


I wish you Peace

~alison~


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