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2008-10-23 - 7:14 a.m.

November is right around the corner and I am planning to once again make an attempt at NaNoWriMo. For those of you unfamiliar, that stands for National Novel Writing Month and the challenge is to write an entire novel (50,000 words) in the month of November. The reward consists of a certificate, logo for your webpage and, of course, a novel. It�s never read or juried at the site you simply upload your novel for a word count, 50,000 and you win. Of course you could cheat but then really what have you won? All around the world budding novelist haul out their computers and laptops and spend their free time typing away, sometimes with intricate storylines prepped out months in advance and sometimes with no idea whatsoever until the clock ticks over to November first. I am somewhere in between, closer to the latter than the former. I have an idea, ages old, that was born during a time in my life when I fancied I might still have a shot at �the big time�. A friend and I fleshed out the bare bones of an idea one night between shots of something or other during my miss-spent youth. I have always wanted to write the story but always felt it was not mine to write, having shared the kernel of the story with someone else. I would call and ask for permission but I no longer have a relationship with this friend and that is far to long a story to go into here and now. Suffice it to say we have gone our own ways and now live worlds apart.

I have decided that I will write the story anyway. Probably nothing will come of it. After all, there are a ridiculous number of people who participate every year many of whom �win� and yet I don�t believe they have swelled the ranks of the successful novelists in any way. I think it would be a bit egotistical to believe that I might end up with anything publishable. If by some strange twist of fate I do have something decent then I can decide what to do then.

Writing this novel will accomplish several ends for me. One, it will distract me from the stress and anxiety I am feeling associated with upcoming events. Two, it will force me out of the stagnant pit I find myself wallowing in of late and three it will jumpstart the creative side of me that seems to be frozen in time. All of these will be good for me.

I am disturbed by the severe lack of creativity I have enjoyed (?) since shortly after my son was born. Events in my life, separate from his birth. pulled the rug out as surely the end of my first marriage did so many years ago. The difference then from now is the suffering fueled my creativity whereas now it has sucked the fire from my belly leaving me a cold shell. I can�t draw anymore. I have pictures I did ages ago and they are good. Even a stranger would say so, but now I can not produce anything of value. I have lovely rice paper My Darling lovingly gifted me with and I can�t bring myself to mar its surface with my fumbled attempt at art. I know that most of what you do in any art form is crap. It�s about expression, not value and there is value inherent to the expression and emotional release. Still I can�t bring myself to attempt the struggle to be disappointed, not now when I am feeling so low already. So I stuff my creativity in the upstairs closet, out of sight. Hundreds of colored pencils, sketch pads, paint and paper of all types and sizes sit gathering dust as I plod through my days. I can�t bring myself to throw them away so I guess there is a glimmer of hope in me that someday the spark will return and the flame will burn again. It is the same glimmer that keeps my piano gathering dust in the library. That, and Baby Boys incredible pleasure derived from banging away at the keys. His banging has mellowed and taken on a more purposeful quality. He enjoys not only the act of playing but the sound he produces and is trying to choose what sounds he delivers. I like listening to him explore the �music� he can produce.

So�I will write next month. I will be at my in-laws for the start of the event and I will bring my laptop with me and while My Darling is braving the cold, hunting, I will type away, getting a good start and hopefully producing a cushion of words to make up for any disruption of my pace during the month. My Darling is cheering me on and that helps, and though Baby Boy has no idea and often resents my time on the computer I will have the time he naps and My Darling to distract him.

Honestly, this is the most I have written in a long time. Days, even weeks have passed between postings due to this bog that surrounds me sucking me down. No more. I will write and I will win.

I will try and post snippets from time to time.

I suspect not too many folks stop by here anymore but for those of you who do, thanks for sticking with me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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