Well, the giant push up to the big B-day party is nearly over with far too much left to do. I am, of course, anxiety riddled and dreading the entire thing mostly because I am still struggling with my depression and other lovely side effects including an over all dullness that has settled on me. I am not right and I am completely at a loss for what to do other than pursue assistance from a professional (I have an appointment next month). The lawsuit against my previous employer is finally moving which is just what I need in addition to the party. The depositions will begin next month. I have so much to do for the party, to prep for depositions and heading into winter. OMG winter, how I hate it, trapped indoors with nothing to do.

My Darling would like me to set aside time in my day to write. He would like to see me making a living (at least as good as waitressing part time) giving me time at home and allowing me to feel good about what I do. I feel as though I am wasting my time at my job. Of course I serve a purpose and although business is down and some folks still think they don�t need to tip, most folks are being more generous so my average is more than 15%. I�m not making as much as I could but I�m doing OK. I am feeling so wasted though. I have done so much and here I am waiting tables. It�s not as though it�s not a respectable position or even that it�s a no brainer. It�s difficult work and requires sharp focus and working memory. There is where I sometimes come up short. The disease affects the working memory. Then there is the anxiety. I have medication that helps control the anxiety but it fries the working memory so I can�t take it if I want to do my job. In the past I would have drunk (pardon the pun) my way through it but now I must find another way to the other side of all this crap. I want to write but the time is always spent trying to catch up on house stuff (I STILL have moldings to put up, it�s taking forever and I don�t know if it�s that involved or if it�s just me). The gardens never got finished (and the vegetable garden is over grown with weeds) and I know my Darling can�t understand how I run through the time, heck I don�t know.

So how do I find the time to write? Even my diary languishes. I want to do Nanowrimo this year but there will still be much to do in November. I should try and get my butt to one of the support groups for my disease. I should drag my Darling along so he can learn more and meet other people living with people with mental illness. I just hate stealing time from �us� since I already have my class taking away from us. My Darling knows how much it means to me but we have so little time I don�t think he can help resenting it a little. He loves me though and would never ask me to give it up no matter how much he misses me. I love him for that. As hard as I am to be with he just keeps on, I love him for that too.

So time is short always and only one real day left before everyone starts arriving since today is my double. I am trying not to stress but there is so little time left. No time.

Never enough time.

Then I get to the end of this and I have said nothing really, I just wasted more time.

Blech

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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