We are leaving for our vacation tomorrow and so I will be off the grid for a few days which lately will make it indistinguishable from the norm of late. I seem to manage a post once a week anymore. Time was a day didn�t go by but I was posting something and now time just passes and the next thing I know I haven�t posted a thing in a week. It�s not the nothing is happening, on the contrary, lots is happening. I am losing my patience with things that have never bothered me before. I am cranky both at work and at home and that combined with My Darlings stress and sleep deprived crankiness has led to more than a few cranky interchanges. I hate fighting, most of the time I find it totally unproductive, nothing is solved you just eventually end up in your respective corners licking your wounds and trying to find a way to forgive the hurts propagated during the heat of the moment. So many times I have seen the words floating out in the air before me and wanted to suck them back into my twisted mind. I learned a long time ago the words said can not be unsaid and no matter how you would like them to be taken they will always be colored by the conditions (emotionally) of the person receiving them. In other words, words hurt and they stay with you long after the flash of anger has passed. I regret my words. It is the reason I often bite my tongue in arguments. One, because you usually can not elicit a change in behavior no matter how diplomatic you try to be, and two, once you begin to defend it is difficult to hear anything but an attack in everything that comes after.

I get defensive all the time. I feel as though I am attacked at times when there is only a request for a different behavior. My Father always maintained it is not what you say it is how you say it and often people�s frustration lies behind the words and it is that emotion that triggers the defense. With some people, like my boss at work, I am mostly immune to her moody flashes having learned long ago they are just that, flashes and then they are gone. I fear that in my home life I am far more sensitive.

I am concerned about my cognitive malfunctions. I feel stupid most of the time and my idiot proofing hasn�t been all that successful lately. I try and anticipate the stupid things I will do due to lack of attention and set up defenses for them but it seems as though more and more I am walking into walls so to speak. I am hoping that getting back into active Karate will help with that but I don�t know. I seem to have lost touch with the aware part of me and I know My Darling is frustrated with dealing with it. His patience is worn pretty thin as I mentioned above and I know he is trying so very hard not to react to my stupidity. He is doing admirably well considering my stupidity of late.

It could be stress or lack of relaxation but I always wonder if it is the BP or the medication since I just don�t remember being so very stupid before. I handled everything in my previous marriage. Paid all the bills on time and took care of all the problems we ran into with no help from the ex (whose patience with a problem lasted until the first snag and then he would toss things around, swear and eventually break something.) I would stay calm, work out the problem and fix things. Sometimes I can still do that but most of the time I feel pretty useless, especially when I forget to pull laundry out of the dryer, or don�t get the dishes done. My part time status coupled with My Darlings excessive work schedule means I should take care of the bulk of the housework and with the time off I should have no problem yet day after I don�t get nearly as much done as I should. This weekend My Darling vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up the garage, fed the baby and mowed the lawn while I re-plumbed the outdoor spigot. A couple of hours and he accomplished a lot. Of course I do spend a lot of time on the computer communicating with him. I just miss him so much that I don�t want to do anything but �talk� to him online.

Even now I should be getting ready and I�m writing this and chatting with him. I will finish my coffee and get down to business. I have to have everything ready for My Darling to pack into the Jeep while I am at work tonight so we can hit the road early tomorrow. See you on the other side of the vacation (with pictures of the beautiful National Park here in MI taken with the new digital camera, My Darling just purchased).

Take care all.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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