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2008-06-12 - 7:34 a.m.

I just found out recently that a co-worker of my Darling left his job to work full time writing. Can you see the envy dripping off of me? I have spent my whole life dreaming of this and that, chasing my tail, and the constant through it all has been my writing. It is my joy and to some extent my curse. Past times I was discouraged by a friend who was also a writer and who disparaged my writing as infantile. While I have matured a great deal I am now certain that my previous writing was not nearly as bad as I was led to believe. So here I sit so many years later and I see writing as a potential fix to my problem. I need to work to make money and I want to be home form my baby. Writing would allow me to live in both worlds at once (Everybody please step left). I would like to have my foot in both fields but haven�t know where to start. Enter my Darling with websites and recommendations to books that detail the who and how of freelance writing. I am intrigued and terrified at the same time. So many attempts in the past have come to nought and this could turn out to be just another yellow brick road to nowhere. Hmm, I wonder if that is a proper metaphor since Dorothy finds out in the end that she didn�t need the wizard she had the means to her hearts desire all along. Of course it could be just the allegory I need to understand that I also have everything I need to win my hearts desire. So much �putting yourself out there� is involved in this field and I am not as strong as I make myself out to be sometimes. It was my fragile ego that led to my demise in the entertainment world, (that and my desire to eat now and then).

Still now that my Darling has delivered the means I must make a go of it or forever live in the land of what if, waiting on the folks who have real jobs that pay enough to pay their bills and fill their tanks with gas. Thank God for my Darling who has shouldered all of our responsibilities so I can try and concentrate on the past debt (damn my ex all to hell, lazy git). I keep coming up short and my Darling is always there to bail me out, so very different from the past when I was all on my own to sink or swim. It�s so nice to have someone in the soup with me to hold my head above the waves when I get tired.

I have been tired lately. Not from lack of sleep I think (although I haven�t been sleeping well) but from over stimulation. Too much taking care of people all day, taking care of baby all night (even with My Darling there to ease the load) and feeling like I never get everything I need to do, done (womens work is never done, right?). The garden is half planted, the house is in a perpetual state of half cleaned and I am still trying to get the garage carpeted so I can start teaching karate again. Oh, the garage is half cleaned and the car is half fixed. Half a$$ed is not my favorite. In fact it was my main complaint about my ex, everything he did was half a$$ed and here I am doing the same thing. Some of it appears to be my disease. I read that the cognitive effects lead to lack of concentration and easy distraction. I get started on something, stop to do something and then never get back to the original task�half a$$ed. I want to be better than that. So I am tired of not living up to my standards, nor the standards of those around me. Failing to hit the mark day after day is wearing me down.

At least the close on our refi appears to be a done deal although I�m always a little apprehensive until we sign on the dotted line and then I have out right buyers remorse. Color me the ultimate pessimist, always certain I am standing on the wrong side of the given fence (metaphors, they�re everywhere, they�re everywhere). Not only is the glass half empty but it�s filled with some vile liquid unsafe for human consumption. No wonder I feel bad all the time (well not all the time but the pessimist in me sees way too much bad in the world).

It�s times like this when I need baby therapy. I look at those clear blue eyes and tousled towheaded locks and think Wow! What an amazing thing life is. A babies laugh can take away the sorrow and pain and leave you with a sense of wonder at it all. Some days I fear for him, I worry that I won�t be able to prepare him for the world that surprised and appalled me when I was thrown to the wolves, then I realize, of course I won�t be able to prepare him. He will have to find out for himself because no matter how you try and tell them, humans must experience life themselves. He will bonk his head on the world just as he bonks his head on the coffee table and then one day he will have figured it out. I am hoping that he does it sooner than I since I am still trying to figure things out.

Unfortunately, Baby Boy is still sleeping so I will have to wait a little longer to hug him and kiss the spot at the side of his neck revealed when he lays his head on my shoulder or maybe nuzzled his soft cheek while he gazes through the window at the sunkissed lawn still wet with the morning dew.

Today I have already cleaned the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, swept and washed the floor, done a load of laundry, and written this. Not bad for 7:30 am don�tcha think? I will be off to work by 9 and then spend the early evening running around on errands while my Darling is biking. I am so very thrilled he has the chance to go biking and I am hoping this turns out to be a regular thing. Everybody needs to do what makes their heart sing, otherwise life becomes drudgery. I will be so happy to see him happy. His laugh touches my heart as surely and completely as my Baby Boys. They are my world.

I have to start getting ready for work soon so I will wrap this up in a big red bow.

I am soooooo ready for this vacation.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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