Well if I wasn�t nervous enough about this Friday cosmic forces have aligned in such a way as to deliver snow�in April�SNOW!!!

As the day gets closer I am feeling an increasing sense of irrational panic. This is ridiculous, I know, after all I am pregnant which is a commitment far beyond the ties of marriage. Even if our marriage doesn�t last he will always be in my life as my child�s father.

Why then the panic? I�m just not completely sure. I suppose it could be fear of the inevitable changes that follow marriage. The knowledge that separation involves more than renting a truck and dividing up books seems to create a complacency that leads to a deterioration of what has been a truly considerate and loving relationship. I don�t want to lose what I have now.

I am afraid the house and its ensuing payments and repair bills will lead us into the financial disagreements often cited as the reason a marriage failed. I�m uncertain how we will blend our finances. It�s not feasible to split right down the middle because I make quite a bit less than him (of course in CA he made quite a bit less than me and we did just that but I had to be sure I wasn�t getting out of the frying pan and into the fire.) The first time round we just pooled our resources which were somewhat equal for a while until he stopped working. (Our money and all that). I hate the idea of giving up control over my money and the freedom of spending as I see fit. Of course once I quit the restaurant I will be pinching pennies to make ends meet for bills including the debt from my last foray into this institution. I don�t know how I�m going to get that paid off and still carry my share of the current expenses only working at the one job. I�ve just about given up on staying home for any length of time with the baby and that bothers the crap out of me.

So much to turn my stomach over, and the knowledge that it is all outside of my control and worry will neither change nor temper any portion of what will come doesn�t stop the waves of panic from washing over me I love this man, and the idea of losing him in any way makes my stomach drop out. I know I want to marry him but still, the reality of this act, especially in light of the second time around, tears at my innards as well.

I am one who feels in my gut. This is counter productive in my current state. I guess I will be happy when it�s over.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I don�t have a dress to wear on Friday. I have two days to locate a dress suitable to promise my life to My Darling (and believe me that is no small task in my condition).

Crap.

Still everyone I know is dealing with their own challenges and I am trying to remind myself that we all must deal with life as it comes.

So rather than dwell anymore on my troubles I will instead wish my friends good health (physical and mental), wealth (spiritual and monetary) and happiness.

As always�

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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