Lately it seems as though my desire to write has been stymied by so many distractions. I suddenly realized that it has been many weeks, even months, since I have written anything besides a journal entry. You would think that I would be inspired right now but I can�t catch up with the reality of my life just yet and it has left me without words. It is a strange thing for me to lack any verbal ability. Words are my best friend in many ways. The words of others have carried me around the world and my own words have allowed me to express my thoughts and feelings creatively. Yet now, at the trail head of a fantastic new path I am suddenly with out the means to adequately share my many feelings. So many people in my life are cheering me on. There are none who put voice to the obvious fears. My dreams have taken a turn of late. There is a face that smiles up at me, it is forever innocent, it is my nightmare. Don�t get me wrong, lest I offend someone who has loved such a child, I don�t believe they are any less deserving of boundless love, but I would be lying if I told you I wasn�t hoping for a perfectly healthy, normal child. No matter how much one loves the child in their lives they would never wish for anything but a normal child if they were truly given the choice.

I will not know until the end. I have opted out of the tests that indicate a genetic problem due to the inherent risks the procedures involve. I know in my heart I wouldn�t opt out of the pregnancy if I were to have an abnormal child so other than the ability to plan ahead it seemed pointless to risk the test. I suspect my nightmares will continue and I will bear them somewhat silently. I share here, but in my world I keep my own counsel when it comes to those fears. Nobody in my life wants to talk about it (including me).

Spring is on her way and summer will fly by I�m sure and the fall will bring a new smile into my life. Whatever the nature of the smile I will love it I am sure.

Maybe my words will return soon.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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