Today is my Birthday. I am 43 years old. I am not really able to wrap my brain around the reality of that number. When my mother was 43 I was 13 years old and my older brother was 18. When my mother was my age she was the mother of an adult.

A good friend of mine has posed some valid questions that are certainly worth revisiting at this point in my life. Birthdays are a time for reflection and this is as good a topic as any for today�s post.

In order, and as they were posited.

Is this the only way -- as in place and time and jobs, etc -- to get where you eventually want to be?

No, there are lots of places where I could pursue my current goals but this place places me central to the people in my life that I most care about in a job market that is not completely defunct. My hometown has been boarded up and resembles a ghost town post gold rush now that the chemical companies and steel industry have closed their doors. This place is still growing and despite the current challenges� facing the auto industry there are still plenty of opportunities, I just have to keep on keeping the job hunt. I am close to family (mine and his) and that is a good place to be when starting a family.

Is there any way to make things easier on yourself?

Unless someone can wave a magic wand and make my illness go away there is no way to make things easier. I will always have a hard time in waves no matter what problems or lack of problems I face. Even the best living conditions provides fear of the crash awaiting me.

When you get pregnant, what will change?

Nothing. Everything. There is a sense of (instinct?) the need to reproduce. Part of being a human animal I suspect.

How will life change for you?

I will no longer bear responsibility for myself alone. I will have responsibility for another life and that means I can not be self involved. I am selfless by nature and that leads to being used but it is natural (and necessary) for your children to use you. I will be able to do the right thing where it matters (and yes I know there will be a plethora of new complications but I will not be alone).

What are you expecting to change for you?

Nothing. Everything. (see above).

How will you be able to change your life so there is little to no stress?

I will not. Stress is what we create in our attempt to manipulate our environment. Acceptance eliminates stress.

because, while pregnant, a person with bipolar disorder has to be extremely careful, as hormones etc shift moods.

I have investigated the medical complications that arise from not only my mental illness and my age and found both my P-doc and my Primary supportive of my choice. Folks with BP have shared that pregnancy was the only time when they felt normal. Hormones out of control is where we live and from what I have been told we are more stable under those conditions than normal. My meds have been investigated for effects on pregnancy and babies (I will need to register as a pregnant maintenance user) and there have been no adverse effect noted.

And if your life will drastically change when you get pregnant to be able to be more or less stress free, why can't you change it now?

I change it every day, 10 times a day. That is how I survive.

Is this lifestyle the only way out?

There is no way out. Lucky for me there is a natural time limit. Until then I will love, learn and hope for the best.

Is there any way to make things easier on you?

I hope for:

The Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

In the mean time I will follow the advice of a little blue fish�

Just keep Sw1mming, Just keep Sw1mming�

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

My Darling R, I love you for asking these questions, it's nice to know you care enough to ask the hard questions. I miss you. I will have some questions for you soon, but not today, today is for cake and shopping and celebrating my existance.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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