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2006-11-09 - 1:03 p.m.

It�s like trying to hold back a river with your hands. Even a tiny creek would flow right around any attempt to stem the flow. It�s not the tide so much as a wave. Or maybe more like a whirlpool. It doesn�t matter really, what matters is that I can�t seem to stop it from happening. Everything wrong with my life is arriving at one place in time. My fear, amplified by my mood, culminates in the storm of emotion writhing beneath the deceptively serene surface. My words are the only external sign of the turmoil.

Writing my new novel is cast aside as my frustration with the empty page brings only a desire to run away (run away!).

Projects such as my Christmas ornaments (can you say hats for ornaments?) and the black out screens for the bedroom still unfinished sit in accusation of my slothful ways.

My work earlier in the year to trim my frame has all but disappeared beneath the weight of my ever blossoming belly (and not the good kind of blossoming). I�m afraid to diet (my only defense since time to exercise is non existent) as it might interfere with my current (unsuccessful) long term project. I have a tendency to take things to an extreme (go figure) so I can not be trusted.

And now, what we have all been waiting for, My Darlings return to the land of the light brings with it the overwhelming feeling that he will finally see that I am insane and beyond all hope of redemption (I�m turning 43 you see, and old dogs do not change their stripes � I know I�m mixing metaphors I�m insane you know).

Then there is that�the birthday�the one that reminds me that I have such a tiny window left and I just don�t think I�m going to squeeze my ginormous belly through such a tiny opening.

I work, I sleep (badly) and I wait to see what catastrophe is awaiting me when the fates join forces to thoroughly stamp me out.

The water pours through my fingers and all I want to do is run away (run away!!) and hide under the bed (with the dust bunnies). I want more time or less time.

I want my Pony! (please may I have a pony?)

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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