I�m a little gray right now. I become more and more disappointed as the months pass and it takes a little longer to get over it. Something has been nipping at my tail lately and thought I can�t put my finger on it I know it is the cause of the current state I�m in. It�s not as if there is anything particularly bad (unless you count the whole un-reproductive thing) it�s just a whole lot of little things conspiring to ruin the mood. I suppose that might be the reason behind my revisit to the days of yore and the emotional sea that was my home in days gone by. I cry at the drop of a hat lately (well it�s not that bad but it is noticeable to me at least as a significant change in my ability to control my outward expression of emotion). This has been much less of a problem in the past two years due to proper treatment but it�s becoming a problem for me again and I suppose I am feeling pressed to figure out what is going on here.

I don�t really like MI. It�s not bad there is just has no redeeming qualities for me. The rains prevent outdoor activities of my taste even when it�s sunny because it doesn�t stay that way long enough to dry up the trails. Unless I simply resign myself to mudding on my bike (not the safest entertainment) I will never mountain bike again. And the cold weather has begun to hint around the edges. Cool mornings and turning leaves suggest the beginning of a cycle I know all too well (and like even less) and the fears that I have been pushing away have flooded back into my brain and threaten to drown me. I put the warmer sheets on the bed last night and toyed with the idea of adding the blanket as well. Since the warm blooded creature that is My Darling would cook under the covers I opted instead forego the blanket and instead cuddle close to my little heat machine (little Ha!) which is just fine with him it seems. Folks are nice enough, but folks are folks everywhere you go. I wouldn�t expect to find anyplace in the world filled with monsters. Nice people, nice town, just doesn�t suit me is all. Still I�m stuck here now for a while at least (longer depending on the family, both my current and the one I�m working on) and I don�t know what the overall effect of that will be.

The job�s alright. It�s not what I do but it�s enough of what I do to be OK. I am feeling stuck though. It is in the strictest sense of the word a �desk job� and I am not a desk job kinda girl. I like jobs that move me around and physically as well as mentally challenge me. I suppose this is a good job to have if you are planning a little �growth� shall we say but I�m chafing a bit with the sedentary nature of the position.

I have recently been made aware that I whine and complain a lot. I admit I get frustrated at the restaurant with my lack of seatings and subsequent tips (and no amount of �this is not my real job� rationalization on my part curbs the frustration levels) but I had no idea that I was considered to be a constant complainer. I�m fine with being thought of a bossy and moody (most of the younger girls need to be bossed or they just stand around and watch you work) and I must cop to the moody part (I do have a mental illness after all, they don�t know it so to them I�m just moody, but if they only knew how deep that rabbit hole goes). Long ago I gave up concern for who liked and didn�t like me (I actually discovered that when I thought about it most of the folks who disliked me weren�t folks I would choose to hang out with if they did like me. I don�t apologize for my feelings but I have been trying to maintain a better attitude and I apologize when I snap. It�s funny, one of my favorite people there is quite abrasive and I can�t really tell you why I like her, I just do. So many different personalities all working in a space 4 ft by 20 ft, upwards of 12 to 14 people moving in and out of the space with trays of food and drinks, it�s really amazing more people don�t lose it. Every now and then a dish slides off a tray and smashes to the ground (happened to me this weekend, first time in a long time) and the sound jars to the bone and stops everything for a brief second. All attention focuses on you as the creator of dissonance in the orchestral motion that is the restaurant.

I wonder sometimes what it would feel like to command that kind of attention again, the way I used to, purposely, effectively, drawing an audience into my web, making them feel the raw emotion that courses through me so unbidden. I could funnel it into something I could be proud of instead of always feeling as though I am trying to hold back the flood with my finger in the dyke. Trouble is I can�t stand to be around people who like to act. They are egotistical, needy and generally irrational and I become frustrated with their inability to work as a team for the common good. Now I am beginning to wonder if I am more like those people than I care to admit. Even here I am needy. I spend time thinking and writing and then post. If I could walk away at that point I think I could feel OK but no, I come back over and over to see if anyone has commented. I wait for responses from the few people I know read my diary. I am needy, looking for validation, seeking reassurance, I�M EVERYTHING I HATE!!!

CRAP! And I was hoping I was better than that, so much for my superiority complex. Frankly, I�m not sure why you put up with me. I would be more cheerful but I suspect if I was happier I wouldn�t have anything to say.

Seems today I had a lot to say. I will now wait, in my needy way, to see if you have anything to say.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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