Hiding. We move inch by inch little by little into hiding.

The nature of addiction is almost always about hiding, from life, from loved ones and most often from ourselves. We who have known addiction have become well practiced in lying. The little lies we tell the world don�t come close to the huge whoppers we tell ourselves. How is it that we manage to stay hidden so well?

I for one experienced little after affect of my addiction. In the morning I would arise feeling rested and well. All day I would function well giving no indication that on my way home from work I would stop off at my local grocery and pick up my evening�s medication.

I wasn�t happy then. My life was misery, some of my own making and some from the bum of a husband I had at the time. I wanted everything to be his fault and I will maintain that he didn�t shoulder his share of the responsibilities but realistically I made my own bed and I was feeling the springs poking my backside. He was the same man I married (pretty much except that he was employed before we married) good for traveling but bad for settling. I wanted to travel or settle but the sitting in the middle was chafing me bad. Trouble was I had all this debt and I wasn�t the sort who could chuck my hands in the air and say �so what, the goal is to die owing them� (guess who I�m quoting?).

The reason for addiction is always the same regardless of what anyone says, misery.

Was my ex the cause of my misery? yes? NO. He was witness and company but I manufactured my own misery.

I hid it away beneath my day to day, under my casual conversation, even now no one who doesn�t know me on that level would even suspect. Even some folks who do know me still don�t quite believe I was ever that bad and they were there through it all. How did I manage? Master of disguises me. Always trying to please and knowing I will never succeed. I knew my ex would cheat on me. I knew I wasn�t pretty enough to hold his attentions. I knew one day he would lose interest. And so I hid from the eventuality.

I ask you to consider, as I have, how my fear of loss contributed to my actual loss. If I had stayed around, consciously, would he have strayed? He was happy (well happy in his misery with me as company) until I stopped being there. Then he got lonely. Who wouldn�t? I didn�t want to go out and party (he would have been fine with that) cause it was too expensive, so he was bored and lonely.

I don�t forgive him, but I understand. That is the difference between he and I (always was) I can understand the other side of the coin. I know the feelings on either side of any given situation (except for my own in the moment, reflection usually clarifies things).

This started out as an exploration of how one could be so far gone and it could go un-noticed by the world and morphed into something else but I leave you with another thought.

Maybe the world just doesn�t want to know. We see what we want to see and as long as someone is bright and shiny we don�t dig any deeper. No one really cares about the pain, they have their own pain to shoulder and it�s easier to be envious of someone else than see their suffering.

�Everyone�s life sucks in it�s own special way� Quoth I

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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