Gosh, this weekend was a pip. It was My Darling�s Mother�s Birthday and we traveled up to visit and help celebrate. We headed up the night before and joined his Sister and BIL who are pregnant (along with the rest of the family). We had a pleasant evening joking around then headed off of to bed. My Darling and I �closed� the place. I woke around 4:30 am and waited the 2 hours to when I could call in at the restaurant. I couldn�t find anyone to cover and so I was forced to call in (I was advised by one of the managers as well). It went much smoother than I expected. I finally fell into a deep sleep and woke around 10 to the smell of bacon and the sound of his family enjoying the morning. After a leisurely shower we headed down to find that we had missed breakfast. All this is nothing more than background, here is the story.

As my Darling set about fixing us breakfast his Mother came into the kitchen and asked me when I was going to get pregnant (insert laugh). To which I replied �I�m working on it (insert more laughter). BIL - �Yeah, it�s on your list of things to do in 2007� (hiccups of laughter). Me - �I�m not waiting till 2007 it�s on my list for 2006.� My Darling � We�re working on it, Gosh, step off� (by now everyone is now rolling with laughter). Sis � �We need to figure out what we can put in the grandchild frame�. Mom � �Take a picture if Fish.� (giggle, giggle, sigh).

That is how we sort of told his family that we are trying to get pregnant. They think it is all a joke. We had a nice giggle about it on our afternoon walk. Here�s hoping�

There is a creepy little voice in the back shadowy area of my mind that whispers �you were never meant to make life, you are meant to be empty�. I have begun to dread this time more than I ever have before. All my life I have dreaded the discomfort and inconvenience but now I dread finding out that I am still empty and lifeless. I worry that I want this for the wrong reason (though I could never tell you what the right reason is).

I spent all of last night putting away all the things we brought home from My Darlings grandfathers stuff, his inheritance (and gifts for me). I was distraught at the condition of the house on Sunday after we got home. It was messy and cluttered and I was sick with it. I cried out of frustration over my inability to get everything looking neat. I am terrified that I will turn into my parents. My Darling see�s my frustration when I deal with my Mom and tells me that I do the same thing. I don�t want to be like that. I don�t want her to be like that. She diminishes herself, just like I do. I am not a strong woman standing firm against the hurricane, I am weak and scared and I bend at the slightest breeze. I don�t stand up for myself and I have always thought it was because I don�t care (so many times I really don�t care, life is, no matter what so why beat my head against a wall) but other times I just bite my tongue and that�s just as wrong as stomping around demanding my way. The problem is first to identify what I want and then to ask for it.

What I want.

I want a baby (preferably my own).

I want a job that challenges me and an employer who values me.

I want a house with land around it (and a garden).

I want to write another book (and finish the one I�ve had lying around since last years NaNoWriMo).

I want my Darling to give me everything I missed the first time around including the romance.

I want to meet more of my 2D friends and see the ones I have met again (for longer this time).

OK, I have asked. Now what?

She waits.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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