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2006-08-12 - 11:40 p.m.

It�s not that I have nothing to say, hell my brain is buzzing, it�s just that every time I sit down to make a go of it I just have no idea where to start. There is so much stuff right now.

I am settling into my new, less than challenging job (nice people I�m just not being utilized and I suspect I never will be). They want someone to do what I do and be quiet about it.

I continue to run around the restaurant five days a week (yes, I was shocked to learn that I was working the same number of days as before I got my new job it�s less hours but still�) and the night shift is a challenge because the night girls don�t think much of working and avoid it like the plague. They much prefer to stand around and chat. They don�t know where anything is and they never, ever do anything extra unless they are asked - firmly. Still, as one good friend suggested, I think of it as exercise they pay me for.

I�m to the doctor�s next week which will hopefully result in a renewed prescription (best case scenario) and if not I will still have enough time to wean myself off the meds. It would; of course, make for a more adventurous life but one must do what one must now mustn�t one?

The practice continues towards our ultimate goal. It has made our relations less spontaneous but still fun so all�s not lost in the translation. The ticking is a bit deafening right now. I just figured out that if I�m successful in the next couple of months it will totally ruin my ability to fly and in turn my ability to be a bridesmaid for one of my dear friends. I wish that wasn�t so but I�m not a good enough friend to give up this dream do wear an ugly dress in Veg@s.

My brother is visiting next weekend and my folks are coming in to see him as well. This means family gathering (at the local RenFest no less). I haven�t seen my older brother in more than five years. I have a dysfunctional relationship with my older brother. He has always been jealous and resentful of me and I have always been confused by it. I never thought I had anything to be jealous about. Evidently I always got what he wanted. This is why he beat the crap out of me, who knew? We found a sort of resolution but I am always a little uncomfortable around him (actually he makes me nuts and I am having a pushme/pullyou feeling about the whole visit)

Lots happening and I�m not feeling much of anything. That�s a lie; I�m desperately missing all of my friends in CA. I had trouble not crying at work when I took a call from a business around the corner from my old apartment. I listened to a message from my best friend and I could hear the tears in her voice as she echoed my own thoughts. CA was never my home but it was the closest thing I have had.

I made a new friend. Well she is not a new friend so much as she is a girl I work with (she is in college, I�m so jealous) who is leaving to go back to college and is the first person who has wanted to have a friendship beyond work (other than two ladies who have invited me to go drinking with then several times which as you know is not exactly my scene). We will e-mail (we shall see, she is in college which usually engulfs you).

Details aside (this is all just what�s happening after all) I�m surviving. It�s not what I want nor is it what I need but I can maintain until the plan falls into place.

I have decided to reread Zen mind/beginner mind. I need to get my self out of the way.

Too much work and not enough play makes me�

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

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