I have moved to the end of the Earth. Well not the actual end of the Earth because that suggests squareness rather than sphereness but for all I do and everyone I know it might as well be the end of the Earth. There are some very nice people at the restaurant and while I manage a pleasant interchange while I am trapped at work I haven�t socialized much outside of work (drinks after shift one day, soda for me). Really whatever would I talk about? That has been a consistent problem for me, no one to talk to. My Darling is sweet and we do share much in common but even he has little interest in most of the topics that I enjoy studying and discussing. This creates my feeling of isolation. I am surrounded by nice people, with nice lives and I have nothing to say to them. I am often condemned as a snob due to this disconnect but really I don�t believe I�m better, just different. There is nothing wrong with being happy with your day to day life and the people around you. It is, in fact, something to strive for; contentedness in the act of living. I can�t get there. I wish I could shut off my brain (I have synthetically pushed the off button in the past and it worked well for the folks around me, but not so much for me.) Instead I am stuck with the constant noise which doesn�t even have the decency to be white noise. It�s not as bad as it used to be but it�s still pretty irritating. I want someone to talk to.

Politics, religion, Science, and History all fascinate me and no one I know cares. Not only that but my disease leaves me wanting to talk to someone about my feelings (not a doctor, just a friend) but it�s a scary word to most people (like the C word) and you can�t take it back if the person responds badly. My Darlings family doesn�t know (as far as I know) and I have shared with just a few of my friends out west (all of whom are far away and quickly forgetting about me). I call, I write, and no one responds. I feel isolated like I�m at the end of the Earth. There it is again.

Oh, and I�m getting fat again. I shed almost 8 pounds in the �challenge� and in two weeks managed to gain back all but 3 pounds. I am uncomfortable, tired all the time, I don�t sleep well and get little exercise outside of my running around at work. I come home and I just want to curl up into a ball and go away.

At the moment I am home alone. I just returned from a trip to the grocery store where I purchased $50 worth of produce for salads. I want to eat right, I want to exercise, but I lack the drive to move once I have landed at home. I have a gym key for the small exercise room available at my complex and I have never used it. I have run my mile course a handful of times. In CA I was regular at the gym. I felt good.

I keep thinking �what have I done?�, �what kind of idiot am I?� I take everything good and piss it all away. My family hasn�t seen me but once since I got here because for all intents and purposes I might as well be 3000 miles away, I can�t afford to go and visit (even if I had the time which I don�t).

Darling is frustrated with me too. There are certain things I do that he simply can not understand and so he gets angry and I don�t understand why such things make him angry. It�s not like I have changed all that much. I am the same person (with all the same flaws) that I was two months ago but for some reason it isn�t the same. He admits that it is his problem (not that it helps when he is having a snit). I am a person that absorbs all bad feeling in a room and even if it is his problem I can�t help but make it mine. It doesn�t help that I try to do things the way he likes (they are reasonable and logical requests) and when I can�t I get frustrated with myself. So now he�s angry and I�m angry and it�s silly and stupid and a waste of time. We are mad till we aren�t mad anymore and then life goes on. Stupid!

In the �doing something about it rather than whine about it� arena I have contacted a Bpolar group locally and found out the scheduling of their support meetings. I would like someone to share my feelings with. My Darling is wonderful and supportive but he gets scared for me when I share everything (he deserves a little distance from this disease). I can�t stand to see him feeling so helpless about me. Maybe this will be enough to get me through the next few (?) months while I continue the job hunt and try and settle in to this new (foreign) home.

From the end of the Earth~

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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