It�s just a job, right? In the grande scheme of things it isn�t the end of the world. But it seems to be a pretty decent slam (emotionally speaking). It�s like getting wrapped up in some relationship and discovering you are just being played.

I know that isn�t what happened. Filling a position like this involves careful examination of candidates and in this case, obviously, lots of people were involved in the final decision. What upsets me is that it is obvious that a decision was made much sooner than I was informed of it. My e-mail, (follow-up) triggered the final call (from someone other than the men who interviewed me) to say thanks, but no thanks. They said it wasn�t me, (don�t they always) that I was a very strong candidate, the other guy (the occupant of the third room) had more specific experience. If things don�t work out I would be their choice to fill the vacancy (read �second choice�). I have never not gotten a job I have interviewed for (let alone three interviews), EVER!

I am heartbroken, exhausted and although I have already dived back into the job hunt my heart isn�t in it. I have to find a job though. My savings is quickly running out and my waitressing will not pay the bills.

I feel like I have made yet another colossal mistake in my life. I had a perfectly good job. I was (for all intents and purposes) happy. And then I had to F*** it all up by moving my a$$ all the way over to bumf*** MI. I wanted something I obviously can�t have. It was foolish to think that I could have a life I should have pursued years ago, the horse has left the barn on that one.

I was nervous to let myself want something (every time I want something I am left empty handed and feeling broken). There is nothing to soften the pain. I don�t want to cry (because I know it is futile and useless) but the tears fall.

It is just a job but it feels like I have fallen and I c@n�t get up. Sleep wasn�t long or deep (I awoke way ahead of my alarm) and the lack of it will not serve my mood. And now I must head into work and admit that I didn�t get the job.

For the record, I had no intention of sharing my potential job opportunity with anyone (just in case of this possible eventuality) but I promised to keep the manager up to date and she told the other managers one of whom walked up to me in the middle of a group of girls and announced my prospective departure. I was then forced to admit the situation. I feared this outcome, and its associated embarrassment, but I couldn�t see any option to prevent it.

In the future I will demand the confidentiality I thought I had by right. I feel like I am heading off to receive my just desserts. Who was I to think I deserve better. I�m sure there are some who will secretly gloat over my arrogance and pegging down.

I feel no need to be liked (which is a strange feeling for one who has sought to please her whole life) but working with people involves a certain amount of getting along and it is difficult to do with people you know for a fact dislike you intensely. I was looking forward to leaving these people behind and the thought of continuing to tolerate their offensive behavior doesn�t help matters.

Crap!

It still isn�t even time for my alarm to go off and already my mind is swirling. I�m really good at faking it (a skill honed by years of hiding the truth of my illness) and so nobody should know how bad it really is but this disease makes small problems big and big problems overwhelming.

The wave is building and I don�t know how to stop it. It will crash over me and I will be forced to struggle in the sea of emotions. When I was in denial of my illness I did a painting of a turbulent ocean and a tiny dot which represented me. It accurately portrayed the feelings that torment me. When I accepted my condition and moved on with my life I disposed of that painting. I wish I had kept it. It might help those around me to understand.

I am not giving in to the call of the demons. I will not disappear into one of the many addictions that have soften my way in the past. This means, of course, that I am in for a bumpy ride. I hope you don�t mind if I work my way through it here. Feel free to skip over these pages for a while as they might seem a bit self indulgent.

Thanks to all who have expressed their sorry for my situation.

I persevere, reluctantly, but truthfully.

It is time to prepare to face the jeering crowds.

Ain�t this a kick in the head.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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