It�s raining again. The thunder woke us last night repeatedly as storm after storm passed overhead. Today tornados threatened areas west and south of us. Weather all around us, all the time, so different from what I have known for so long now. I don�t even remember my childhood being so weather riddled. I have to relearn how to have �rainy day fun�.

Today I took pictures of the outfits I had to choose from for my interview and the dinner the night before. I e-mailed them to a friend and with her advice have settled on the two outfits I will wear. I sometimes think it is much easier for men. Dress slacks, oxford and tie �viola� business casual, but for women it is much more complicated. Styles change from season to season and I have never been much of a conformist when it comes to what I like. It is important, however, to conform in the work a day world (most especially, I think, in the Midwest). I am nervous. When I speak to them in person I am fine but on the phone I seem to flub a lot. It�s actually amazing that I got the second interview based on my first interview (the third was more expected, I�m better in person than I am on paper). I know I simply have to have the confidence to believe the words coming out of my mouth. I am quite a good catch and I bring a great deal of experience and flexibility to the table.

I had the day off today and spent much of it wandering aimlessly around the local grocery/retail store. I was bored (as I am fairly frequently lately) and it reminded me of when I was young and constantly looking for something stimulating. I catch myself flipping more frequently than I care for but my mind hasn�t been capable of much cognitive thought. The best time I have had lately was when I was working on the report for the interview. I felt involved, challenged and, well, not bored.

I have been quiet lately about the �project� that my Darling and I are working on together. I take vitamins and eat things that are good for me (note my loss of 7 lbs) and we do what comes naturally (at less than natural times based on expert opinions on such activities). So far no luck but it�s been fun trying. I sometimes wonder about the �project� and what it will mean to my work life, my family, his family and us. I think about what I want to pass on and what I hope not to pass on. I wonder how the other family projects will get along with ours and what effect their more than successful financial situations will compare with our more simple lives. All of this and the project isn�t past the planning stages. How much can you work into the plan anyway?

See the thing is when I can�t get the words out of my head and onto paper I can be bowled over by them. Like the tornados threatening the neighboring county, I am besieged by thought storms whirling around with no discernable beginning or end. My Darling has learned to read the signs. He is able to see where I can not and though I love him for working at helping me I am irritated by his irritation with things beyond my control. He acts like knowing what I am doing is supposed to mean that I won�t do it. Someone still doesn�t understand the nature of this condition and what do I do if after we launch the �project� he decides that the whole thing is too much work. Even this thought process is obvious to the people who know me. It makes me want to shut up and go away because I�m just annoying myself now. Why can�t I just stop being such a F*cking freak?

I stay away because I have nothing new to say, then, when I can�t stand it anymore I share my verbal vomit knowing full well that it is nonsense. I am on the edge of having something (maybe) and it (or the not getting it) scares the crap out of me.

No where to go, no place to hide, nothing to do but wait inside cause it�s raining out there.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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