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2006-05-31 - 1:28 a.m.

So I have this horrific head cold, my nose is dripping and I feel as though my eyes are about to pop out of my head. All day long as I am running from table to table bringing people their food and drinks I�m feeling guilty as I could be contaminating them. So I blow my nose and wash my hands, then I sneeze and wash my hands then back to blowing my nose and, yes you guessed it, washing my hands (I�m nothing if not sanitary). It was a busy and somewhat profitable day (I am hopeful that I will actually be paid for my first day of work at this place which, due to a clerical error that has not been corrected after several weeks, credited (and paid) me for only .67 of my more than 6 hours of training.)

My nose hurts.

Tomorrow I intend on getting a job. I have interviews at two different employment agencies and I have to respond to a personal e-mail (from the Sr. Chemical Engineer of a nice little company) so good thoughts everyone.

My throat hurts too.

I had a very strange dream last night. I will tell you about it and all you dream analyst may feel free to pick it apart.

I was invited to a party at a nice house and parked out front was my RV. It looked a lot like when I first bought it, very new and shiny. There were several people inside, socializing and having a good time. Also it looked different but I remember thinking �it�s just the way I left it� (which of course it wasn�t since it wasn�t in the best shape when I sold it). I was aware that it didn�t belong to me. In my dream my ex had gotten the RV in the divorce and he and his girlfriend had been living in it with my cats. The three cats inside were my cats but not the ones that I gave away. In fact only one of them was one of the cats I had in the RV at anytime. Tommy (who died in Florida of liver disease) traveled with us but Bratcat (who died a year after a car accident and many surgical procedures, performed because I could afford it, turned him into Frankenkitty) and Thom (who died at 3 am one night when I was in my early twenties because I could not afford the $300 let alone the $50 veterinary emergency room fee to keep him on life support when he suddenly developed a respiratory problem). All my kitties, dead at my own hand (so to speak), there in the ghost of my RV, now owned by my ex.

No one at the party knew who I was or my past relationship with my ex (who was pretty well known amongst the partiers). I asked about his girlfriend but nobody knew her or her whereabouts. While I was sitting there petting my beautiful (and healthy) dead cats he walked in. He looked sad. When he saw me he looked a little surprised but said nothing. I asked if he wanted me to go and he just shook his head and walked out.

The next thing I knew I was driving down the road in the RV with my cats, all alone, going I don�t know where (California?). I felt lost and sad, like I was living amongst the dead which I in a way I was. I suppose I should mention that Monday (the night of my dream) was my wedding anniversary. I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage had I managed to stay married. I don�t know where he is but he might as well be dead (like my cats) for all I will know of him again.

I had a wonderful two year anniversary with My Darling a couple of weeks ago and I�m sure that it will overshadow the �other� anniversary some day (especially if our intentions come to fruition) but now I still feel the drag of yesterday�s memories. Before it was bad it was good and before it was good it was wonderful (if not really, at least imagined which might as well be real). That doesn�t disappear just because you will it. Not thinking about such things does not make them dissipate.

(Wait while I blow my nose�again!!)

I�m sorry I left CA. I�m not saying it wasn�t the right choice or that my world is over, I�m just saying I am sorry I left. I didn�t feel at home there but it felt more real and homelike than this place does. This place is dragging on me. I�m drowning in my own fluids (oh wait, that�s the head cold, isn�t it?) Of course I didn�t get a lot of head colds in CA, no, that�s unique to this part of the world. Head colds, bronchitis, allergies, all the fun that develops when there is weather (actual weather).

The thing I didn�t want to talk about? I priced my meds. OMG!! I will be paying $160 for a thirty day supply. If I pay a ridiculous amount of money to the only insurance company that will not deny me I will not receive prescription benefits (so it�s still $160 a month on top of ridiculous sum) and I will still have a waiting period of up to a year before any company sponsored plan will cover my �pre-exist�ing condition. That means even when I get hired I will have to pay for meds and doctors visits out of pocket for a year. I hate this disease. I am virtually uninsurable at this point. I have never been hospitalized for this nor have a missed a day of work but I am a huge health �risk�. There is nothing I can do to change this. I will need to get a real job soon (or get a second job just to pay for my meds).

And my nose hurts.

And my eyes are about to pop out of my head.

So there you have it, head colds, dreams and expensive medication, my life in a nutshell right now. The strange part is I don�t really know how I feel about it all. A few days ago I was falling apart but right now I just feel tired and resigned (and sick). Maybe when I feel better I�ll feel better (?).

I�m tired, and must (I think) go to bed now.

G�night.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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