Today
Yesterday
Diaryland |
My Darling left for work a little more than an hour ago. I played on the computer, listened to the rain and started a load of wash. I am alone which wouldn�t be a problem if I weren�t casting my mind ahead to the next couple of months. My Darlings family is disappointed we can�t come for the weekend because I�m waitressing Sat and Sun. With my days off during the week and his on the weekend we won�t be able to do anything involved together. He told me I�ll need to get off the weekends if I�m still waiting tables come Thanksgiving. If I�m still waiting tables at Thanksgiving I want someone to come and shoot me. In addition to my lack of success in the job hunt my Mother has developed pictures from her visit when I first arrived and decided that the thing to do is tell me that I am old looking and I need to use lotion, make-up and get my haircut or at the very least stop wearing pulled back (the way I am required to wear it at work) because I look really bad. What in God�s name made her think that I needed to hear that right now. I have gained some weight since I broke my wrist (I never noticed how fat my face had gotten until today) so I know I need to lose at least ten pounds (fifteen would be better). Depression doesn�t help me because it saps my energy. At least this time our schedules will allow us to be awake together. We might even be able to plan hikes after I get out of work on the weekend or after he gets up on my days off. I�m really trying to stay focused and upbeat but I�m tired. I know people in my world whose lives are truly hard and I�m just being a big baby but having set my sights I am finding the prize out of reach again. What if I don�t get a career (my Darling reminds me I have a job, yeah right) but I add to our responsibilities? What if I get a career but can�t add to our responsibilities? What have I done? What am I doing here? Tonight I will sleep alone, all night. I won�t wake slightly to feel him crawling in with me and wrapping his arms around me. No, I will greet the sun before I see him again. By then I won�t want to sleep anymore and he will sleep alone while I try not to be loud or leave and, I don�t know, hike alone? I can�t run long enough to fill all the time. It doesn�t help that it is raining and too cold to stand with my feet in the mud. I think I�ll go for a walk anyway. Goodnight. I wish you Peace ~alison~ Leave a note: �
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